Evolution has its own rewards and today I am reaping in the small and subtle yet significant upgrades in my awareness and my experience.
IT IS AWESOME!!!
Totally well worth all the discomfort of looking at my dark side and even of baring it out loud. It seems that the public sharing is having a really positive effect on the internal impact of that which I write about. So on I write.
This morning I woke tired but genuinely unfussy about it. Noki was up first as usual and we were out of bed and out of the bedroom in only a few minutes. I had just made it to the fridge and gotten out some strawberries and a yellow watermelon for breakfast when I was bothered by my skirt and wanted to change it. I was resolved to make it happen quickly and quietly, without getting distracted, (like I usually do).
As I headed for the stairs, I heard QiQi, making a sort of an effort "eeunghhhff" sound. I went over, half expecting her to erupt into cries and to be mad that I wasn't there when she woke, as was common for our morning stress sesh.
Much to my delight, she was carrying a bag stuffed with clothes, and piled high with still more clothes. She loves to pack up and take a bunch of stuff with her everywhere she does. I don't know where she gets that from ;)
She had gotten up without me, (her dad was still in bed with her, but that had usually been irrelevant to her), gotten herself to pee, gotten her things together started bravely and independently down to start her day! All by herself! Granted she was not feeling the most empowered, obviously sounding a little stressed by the load she was carrying, but this was a HUGE step in the direction of empowerment and independence. She has gone through phases when she did this regularly, but recently this was not the norm.
I beamed at her. I told her honestly how impressed I was that she had gotten herself up and gathered her stuff and started her day, and most importantly, stayed calm! I gushed a bit and told her that I was proud of her for being so capable and empowered and independent. I stood back to let her come through the narrow passage, gently rubbing her back as she clutched her load of clothes.
I let her know that my skirt was bothering me and that I was going to change it real quick and that Noki was having strawberries in the kitchen. I waited a moment looking at her to see if she was ok with that or if she wanted something more at the moment. She lloked pretty content, so I rushed up the stairs to continue my mission, when I saw Quinn coming out of the bedroom.
Pretty much every time I see him for the first time in a while, like a few hours even, I feel a lift in my heart, a smile on my face and a strong pull to embrace him. So I did.
And as I was rubbing my cheek against his super smooth and muscley pecs, I realized that I had greeted him so much more warmly than I had QiQi. I asked myself "why?" inside, and then became aware that QiQi had followed me up the stairs. She still wanted some more mommy to get her day started. I was actually present and connected enough to be aware of this and responsive to her needs. (Yay for mommy!)
I turned and crouched down to look her in the eyes, smiling at her and opening my arms as she melted right into me, also with a sweet smile on her cute little face. As I held her, I realized that this was different from how I would have treated her before, much more warm, loving, and present.
I saw my attitude from the past, cold and dismissive, ready to distance myself from the burdensome needy headache I commonly saw her as. I felt so grateful for this new experience for both her and me, and I knew it was because of the intensity and consistency of the attention I have been dedicating to my conscious evolution, to writing and sharing this blog. I did a little dance in my heart.
I immediately and effortlessly tuned in to another upgraded experience with her. I said "QiQi, I already know what skirt I want to wear, but do you want to help me pick out my jewelry?", noticing that I was super present with her. I stayed right there crouched down with her, keeping eye contact and still smiling at her.
I have recently had many moments of feeling impatient and put upon when she has wanted to dress me up. I had found myself arguing with her and basically just being bitchy and resistant while trying to force myself to play this game that I was not actually into.
So I immediately noticed how, without trying, but just by being in a more present and connected state, I was able to tune into an experience of dress-up that was easy, enjoyable and held the potential to be fulfilling and fluid for both of us.
After quickly changing my skirt, I flipped off the closet light, feeling relieved to be out of there without her asking me to wear something beautifully uncomfortable, impractical and delicate. I used some fun style questions to help guide her to the jewelry choices I most wanted to wear, and we achieved a lovely collaborative look in just a few minutes.
I had managed to accomplish my mini-mission while having fun, without getting distracted and without assassinating a ton of time! AND, more importantly, I was successful in fulfilling my great overall ongoing mission of supporting and nurturing my daughter, for these few moments. I savored my small victory inside, feeling encouraged and my confidence bolstered.
I grabbed up some laundry before heading back downstairs with QiQi to resume the breakfast mini-mission. When we reached the bottom of the bottom of the stairs, she went towards the couch while talking to me as I headed away from her towards the laundry room. When I got about 10 feet away, her tone turned sad and she said, "Okay, I'll just tell you later".
I automatically replied "Oh QiQi, I was still listening to you, just dropping of the laundry right there". Yes it was true that I was would have been able to hear her clearly all the way to my destination at the washing machine, only another 5 feet. But I realized then that the quality of my attention to her was crap, and that I would not likely have done such a thing if it had been Quinn speaking to me.
I became aware that the level of care and respect that I was showing her was totally inadequate to the standard I believe she should have from me, and that I was unconsciously allowing the household chores to momentarily take priority over this most important relationship.
Now I can see how a lot of other moms in other situations have little choice but to keep it moving, constantly. But I have the most supported life of any mother that I know, and I really have so few other responsibilities that there just are no legit excuses or justified reasons why I could not put that silly basket down and look her in the eyes for a whole minute more while she spoke to me. This, and the other hundreds of times I have probably done that.
In fact, my inability to balance mothering with other objectives was such an obvious problem to Quinn that he deliberately relieved me of almost all household and community responsibilities. He could see that I wanted to help and contribute to the community, but it was costing the children too much in the way of my stress, blame, resentment, and so on. He has been so patient and supportive, reminding me time after time that someone else will take care of all that other crap, and that I only needed to focus on the most important thing- fluid wellbeing for me and the girls. What an Angel.
Through Quinn's insight has come to my attention in the past that I have a majorly dysfunctional program of prioritizing the accomplishment of mundane tasks and getting my "work" done over maintaining a present state of wellbeing and connection. Here I was doing it again, and realizing that I was unconsciously teaching the girls to do the same by my example. It used to be much worse than it is now, where I would consistently get stressed out by the need to finish my task, compounded whenever I would feel the additional stress of demands from the girls, and then projected onto them as if they were the ones making me stressed. What a mess!
But even on this day, I could see how it was more subtly but still affecting us. I was grateful to have come to this awareness in this moment, rather than ten steps down the stress path. I felt good that I was progressing in my awareness of this pattern, to have caught it at the onset, rather than having to have it blow up in my face before taking any notice, as in the past.
So I immediately went over and got down to look at QiQi eye to eye. I asked her to continue what she was saying, presently aware of how my treatment of her would come to govern the way she allowed and expected herself to be treated throughout her lifetime. That is really BIG DEAL. Of course I want her to know intrinsically that she is worthy and deserving of others' respect and full attention. So I resolved once again to be even more present with her, and to show her how loved, appreciated and respected she is by the way I interact with her, consistently.
The day and the evening went by relatively smoothly, with lots of fun and connection. QiQi came up to me at my computer and said so sweetly "Hey mom, why don't you take a break from your computer and hang out with your QiQi-girl?". Who could say no to that? I shut my computer and went to play a lovely game of dress up with her.
Yet, by the time the late evening rolled around, I was feeling spent, drained, and did not want put off writing any longer. And even despite having made more time for QiQi than usual, she STILL wasn't fulfilled, and cried about it at the end of the night!
OH shit! If that wasn't enough, what the hell will be?!?! I have had this feeling before, on days when I felt that I had been super dedicated to being present and playing with QiQi, and yet still she was unfulfilled. At times, I allowed this to be an excuse for giving up, rationalizing that she just wanted way more than would even be possible for me. I felt much less that way now, and simply decided to let go of my writing objectives, and settle into bed with her as she asked.
Once in bed, she played and played, and Noki joined in too. Laughing, tumbling, giggling and rumbling, two little cuties having some fun with their sleepy mama. I felt a bit of the familiar "OMG, I just want to go to sleep, NOW" feeling, and yet rather than going into a funk as usual, I just relaxed, allowed myself to be tired, allowed them to be not tired, and tuned into an easier experience of this than was my previous norm. I played with them a little, gradually getting more relaxed, more sleepy. I asked for anyone not sleepy to go downstairs, several times, yet each time doing so gently and feeling genuinely pretty patient and calm with the process.
I wasn't being super mommy, that's for sure, laying there spend as they played around me. But at least I was being cool about things, and the girls fun was proof that I was in alignment with wellbeing. I drifted further and further asleep, getting woken sporadically by a loud close giggle or a wandering foot. I continued to make gentle requests that they settle or exit the room, and they soon settled into my arms as we all fell asleep.
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.