I just had finished a lovely little blog about blah, blah, blah and it is suddenly GONE! F!
I was feeling all good about myself, having not only resolved an issue and gained new awareness of myself, by I was about to have actually accomplished creating some tangible benefit of it too. I was particularly feeling good that I had done something valuable with my time and was eager to share my blog with others and show myself off to Quinn in this functional and productive light.
But ultimately, even the internet can't compete with my special anti-mojo when it is really in flow, as it apparently is now.
Quinn has affectionately coined this term based on one of my many endearing dysfunctions, I am a TIME ASSASSIN.
It just flowed out of his mouth one night when I had royally wasted a ton of time doing a whole bunch of nothing. He put his hands on his head and said "Holy shit, you are like a time assassin with a shotgun, blowing holes in reality!". It was hilarious then and also now, even though I am also frustrated with myself. Gaaaarrrgghhh!
My blog was so lovely, and I kinda miss it. I almost started to write it over again, but it was NOT flowing. I was feeling too much in resentment about it. One thing I have learned is that if something isn't flowing, forcing it will only make things worse.
I'm not wasting any time or energy blaming the computer or the internet either. I am crystal clear that if this is happening, it is because I AM IN ALIGNMENT WITH IT. Period. Blaming just gets me further from empowerment, and at this point I usually know better.
So, as per the advice I learned and shared in my last now non existent blog entry, I shall go within and reflect on the deeper reasons why I a in alignment with wasting my own precious time over and over again.
(... now picking up this blog again two or three days later of not actually getting much of importance done...)
Looking at my self as objectively as possible, in hopes of gleaning some new and useful perspective,I am reminded of a young man I knew many years ago, the youngest of three boys who grew up with a deadbeat father and a full time working and schooling mother, living in poverty and neglect, raised more or less by his two barely older brothers. He just could not stop fucking up. No matter how he tried, or worked, or earnestly wanted to succeed. He was just so deeply ingrained in his own image of himself as a fuck-up, that he would unconsciously manifest the repeated experience of just basically fucking shit up. It seemed to me that it was this subconscious perception of himself that was dictating his experience of himself.
So maybe what I need, is rather than look at or change HOW I am DOING anything at all, perhaps I just need to work on SEEING MYSELF A DIFFERENT WAY.
And to do that, I will also need to LOVE MYSELF MORE.
This one seems like it should be so easy, right!? But or me and for others I am close to who are also on a path of conscious evolution, this seems to be a real sticker.
I have come to this point along my path of conscious evolution when I know that I am seeing through the dysfunctional beliefs and behavior patterns, and yet I am still stuck until in a groundhog day pattern of repeated not-what-I-want. I have spent hundreds of hours in contemplation of a particular pattern of mine, feeling that I had thoroughly shed light the unconsciousness within myself from where I was creating those experienced, and learned whatever I needed to learn, when I felt that I should be moving on from that particular experience, and yet wasn't.
And then I realize that ultimately it comes down to me loving myself. Again. Always.
CAN I LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH
TO ALLOW MYSELF
TO EXPERIENCE MYSELF
AS THAT WONDERFUL AND LOVABLE?
Can I love myself enough
to allow myself to experience that much joy and fulfillment?
Sometimes when I have looked very deeply within, I find parts of me that are of the darkness, and that cling to the very darkness that breeds and hosts them. Like the parts of me that do not want to let go of being hurt, or to be fulfilled. Parts that hang on to pain, misery and suffering. At times I can see that I loathe myself in certain ways and at some level deliberately hod myself apart from greater joy and fulfillment.
Like when I was about to start this blog, that I had been meaning to do for literally 5 years, I realized that I felt really uncomfortable with the idea of being more appreciated by my mate, by others, and my my SELF! I tuned in to the feeling of that greater love and I really felt a part of me want to turn away from it, shoot it down, sabotage it, run from it, just not ready to go there.
So, I definitely believe that the specific and deliberate consideration and reflection on my personal matters has been tremendously useful and beneficial to my process of conscious awakening.
But I guess that I tend to over-intellectualize my being and my experience, and I forget to JUST FEEL.
In addition to being able to cognitively recognize patterns, I must also use my will to shift my outer response, and my heart so shift my inner response. It seems like I have a habit of addressing what I am doing with my mind and body, but not with my spirit/heart. So no wonder I get stuck.
I think this is why visualization techniques work so well. Because when you lead yourself through the situation you want to have, you begin to create the feelings you want to have about that situation. And the feelings need to be ready to respond to the situation in order for that reality to manifest. If the feelings aren't there, then it just CAN"T HAPPEN FOR YOU.
So, what I need is to imagine myself feeling the way I want to feel about something, like my daily use of time per se, and then imagine myself feeling really great about it. I do know what that feel like to feel great about how I used my day, it has happened from time to time, believe it or not.
- wait- I just caught myself, with that attitude toward myself expressed through the snide "believe it or not" comment I made about myself. I wrote it as I thought it and almost immediately recognized that that was NOT the feeling I want to have about myself. And that feeling about myself is actually a PART of the CREATION mechanism itself through which my experiences manifest. It is EXACTLY those thoughts, beliefs and feelings about myself that undermine what I really want to create for myself, which is an experience of joy, love, fulfillment and freedom.
-2 hours later...
Ok I did it again. I assassinated a bunch more time, in a very classic "me" sort of way. This is crazy. I have done just about this exact thing dozens of times, with the same not-what-I-want result, and yet I STILL DID IT AGAIN!!!.
While I was working on a website, the site editor for that particular site began to malfunction. So I was unable to work on it at all. So then I decided to switch gears and do a blog post. That was going well until Noki woke up and then I went to lay with her until she fell back to sleep. And as I was lying there, I got very relaxed and sleepy myself. And rather than just allow myself to go to sleep right there, I just had to hold myself off from sleep for another 20 minutes while she fully settled, and then got up to go do two little things that didn't really need to be done, only to go back to bed and not really be able to fall asleep. And rather than just get back to work after 5 or 10 minutes of not falling asleep, I just laid there, TRYING to sleep, for almost another hour
Oh man, the time and energy I have wasted with trying, trying and trying. On an intellectual level I get it that "trying" is always trying and rarely equates to much actual doing. I understand that it is all energy and it is all in alignment, and therefore the energy of trying cannot lead to the result of easy, smooth, fast productivity, but only of trying.
And yet I continue to try, lots of things, lots of times.
I wish this were the part where I realize and write the answer here to share. How to bridge the gap between knowing what you should do or want to do and actually doing it.
I know that essentially it is just in the alignment of things. Of me.
I also know that every time I have had a really big shift, it is because I simply made the choice. Oftentimes I have needed for life to push me to my limit before i was ready to make that choice. But usually I have found that I was capable of the upgrade all along, it was always right there in my reach, but I just was out of alignment.
So How do I consciously and deliberately align myself?
Well, I suppose i have to be first off paying attention, being present with myself in a much more fluid stream than what is my current daily norm. I am improving, for sure, but I would really like to go faster.
Meditate. Meditate. Meditate
I feel sure that is the path, and yet I don't want to take it. I am lazy and I have resistance to, well, all kinds of shit. But I don't have any real excuses, and I do have a lot I want to accomplish with my life and at this rate I am never going to get to most of it.
I am unruly and undisciplined.
I want to be and do more than this.
I must slice through the wall of resistance and fear within myself, and realign my entire being.
As I am typing this, experiencing this unfolding of my consciousness, I am feeling the wall of resistance throughout my body, I am envisioning and feeling a concentrated burst of energy enter my being up through my root chakra and up and out through my crown, and my whole aura bursts into brilliant rainbow color, radiating brightly. The wall of fear and resistance is gone, and my energy flows freely and abundantly. Up through the center of my being there is a vortex channel of void. And I have no resistance or judgement on the void and wholly accept it as a part of me. And I feel from within this central void channel a jet stream burst of energy. And I feel my center, and can begin to feel the complete alignment of my being. And I can feel the wobble of my center and feel the subtle control of it.
That was amazing!
It seems that just got a sweet little download on how to slice through the wall of fear and resistance and shift realign my entire being! Holy!
Thank You Universe!
Starting with the word "wield" above, I went into an almost trance like deeper state of consciousness, and although my writing slowed, it simplified, and deepened with the intensified raw truth of my being. I was not primarily writing but experiencing a journey of inner reflection into unexplored space within myself, witnessing the subtleties of my feelings, my readings on myself and my experience. When I wrote the words "I must", and those that follow, I was genuinely feeling that at a very deep level, an empowered choice, made with heart, mind and will all at once. And it seems as if in doing that made a true prayer to the universe which instantly responded with the answer.
I did interrupt a bit by beginning to think about it. I perhaps could have gone longer and deeper into the feeling of my center. I have a tendency to rush onward. Oh man, my silly little dysfunctions getting in my own way even during a transcendental experience. Ha!
OK, time to love and accept myself, and- not Try but only- DO the meditation I just received.
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.