Mid morning, QiQi and Noki are playing with their Barbie dolls, beginning to argue over this one particular doll that is a favorite of both of theirs.
It is escalating fast. Screams are cresting like waves about to crash down into all out scratching and smacking.
I dive in to the foray, hoping to help avoid this same rumble that has erupted multiple times already. I start saying the same things I usually say:
"Girls there is no need to fight, there are plenty of dolls. No doll is worth being this upset over, nor hurting each other, you're sisters!"
I am not really even getting their attention.
Enter Quinn, armed as usual with a simple, easy and fair solution.
"Hey girls! Want to choose your own dolls to keep?"
I explain it to them a couple ways until they get it. They give emphatic and very cute yeses.
So I gather up all the dolls, they add their favorites to the pile, and begin to take turns choosing, as I mark each girl's chosen dolls with her color of permanent marker. Green for Noki and Blue for QiQi. They each choose 7 dolls and then say they are done. There are about 5 left that Quinn says to keep in case they have friends over and don't want to share their special ones.
OMG! That was so EASY!!!
Why the hell didn't I think of that weeks ago?!
So I notice that I was not in alignment with an easy solution otherwise I would have had one, taking note to spend some time consciously readjusting that emotional program, some more, within myself, and go about the day.
Only a few moments later, while we are outside on the patio bathing the Barbies in some plastic tubs, I mention to Quinn how I want to fix up the outdoor composting toilets sitting there outside our bedroom-patio door so that the girls can begin to use them, instead of the small baby potties that need to be emptied and washed every time. I start to tell him my elaborate plan to accomplish this, freeing myself from one small aspect of burden that I experience as a part of my overall feeling of burden of mothering.
He cuts in and says "Why don't you just use a smaller bucket", and there was one sitting right there that worked perfectly for all solutions I needed.
Actually that smaller bucket had been sitting there for weeks.
I have been feeling resentful and burdened by emptying potties for months.
And of course solutions WERE TOTALLY AVAILABLE!
All this time, there were plenty of ways that I could have shifted the situation but those pathways were not available to me until I was ready to shift my experience.
I WAS JUST NOT IN ALIGNMENT WITH RECEIVING THE SOLUTION
The deep underlying reason why I just couldn't see these simple solutions is that I simply am not in a general state of energetic alignment with ease and flow in my life, particularly as a mother.
I have been in alignment with stress, not knowing the answer, hitting obstacles left and right and cleaning up messes one after another. That is how I am resonating, what I am emotionally and energetically sort of expecting, and so of course that is the experience that I must have.
"Everything is energy and it is all in perfect alignment" -Quinn
My default program, unfortunately, is to be in alignment with having a stressful experience of mothering. Deep within myself, I feel like it is hard, difficult, stressful. As a mother, I feel generally rather awkward, not well predisposed to the nurturing and sensitivity required for good mothering, like I don't have answers and on the helpless and incapable side.
So, of course my life plays out in accordance with those deep feelings about myself. My experience shows me how I feel about myself. Since it is so hard, apparently, for me to just be aware of how I am feeling about myself, I need life to reflect it back to me.
Quinn has helped me to realize this and to make space in my life for consciously attending to the shifting of my consciousness, because he realizes that this is the only way to stop the dysfunction from playing out.
So a little later in the day, we once again come into a situation where I have spent a lot of time and energy getting nowhere, and I actually wound up making things more difficult, rather than easier.
I made spring rolls for like 2 hours, while the girls wanted me to play with them, and then they had only a few bites. I used some veggies and some sausage that we had cooked up the night before.
Noki the wanted some sausage. Just sausage, not the spring roll. Well, I used all the meat up that would have been available, had I not spent a lot of time to make something that no one else wanted but me. I selfishly projected that they would appreciate them too so I could justify doing all that when really I just wanted them and I didn't care about what the rest of my family actually wanted.
Wow, it is one thing to see that within myself, but saying it out loud over the inter-web is a whole new level of reality.
I cannot let that continue to me me! Especially now that others may know, besides Quinn, whom I know loves me anyway,
So, I am there, I have blown it again, and it is gently and patiently being pointed out to me by my amazing mate. I don't know what to do! I am swimming in my own frustration and awe at my own insanity. I am not in alignment with a solution.
Quinn jumps in and offers to make Noki some more sausage. They go downstairs with Noki all excited for her sausage and Quinn in "As You Wish" mode, lovingly fulfilling the desire of the beloved.
They come back a few moments later with prosciutto. An easy solution.
This is the third time today.!!
Seriously, if I were to try to write about all the things I learn from Quinn just in a single day, I wouldn't be able to keep up!
So Quinn just breaks it down for me.
He can feel and see that I am ready to see more.
I can barely adequately paraphrase what he said, but what I got from it was that he was coming from an inner place of love and desire to have Noki's wish fulfilled, and had no resistance nor feeling of burden about it.
When he got to the fridge he noticed the prosciutto and was already on the lookout for an easier solution, as a default mode, and offered it to her. She said no because she was set on the sausage. He offered no resistance to her "no" and yet grabbed the alternate option anyway. By the third time he offered it to her gently, totally ready to fully accept her answer, she said yes, tried it and liked it.
So he gave her the support to help her get what she wanted, and the true freedom to choose without the slightest backlash from him, he proved to her she had that freedom twice, and then she was able to freely choose to try the alternate option.
He did it all calmly, patiently, holding space for ease, supportive and compliant while continuing to actively scan for alternate possible solutions.
So, what have I learned?
Forget about focusing on problems or event specific solutions.
What I need is to practice, practice, practice and meditate, meditate, meditate on:
Only by shifting these default beliefs and core feelings about myself and my life can i shift my experience.
For me, It needs to be handled two ways:
1. Proactively, like meditating for periods on these specific shifts, taking time to visualize myself in these situations but feeling and responding more of the way that I want
2. In the Moment- catching myself in the act of being the way I do not want to be, feeling the way that I do not want to feel, the way that leads to the results that I do not want, and in that very moment bolstering my positive feelings about myself in relation to that topic. In that very moment I must use my awareness and heart and will to pull my energy in the direction I want it to go.
As I repeat my proactive and in-the-moment shifting, gradually, slowly but really truly surely, I do shift.
I have successfully upgraded many aspects of my experience in this way. All it takes is faith in oneself and caring enough to keep at it.
Go Me! I CAN DO IT!!!
My Sweet girls are counting on me to lead them!
I must grant myself the love I and faith I need to become the mother I most wish to be.
And if I can do it, so can you :)
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.