The wave of filming has passed and I am now regrouping and reassessing. Taking some much needed time to reflect inward and also now to make some notes on what I am seeing.
Honestly I would not be doing this as deeply as I am if it were not for Quinn being obviously but gently displeased with me. I became aware of this when he greeted me coldly this morning, but now that I am reflecting, it should have been obvious why.
At first I was rather confused, and felt pretty hurt, as I usually am when I feel unloved or unappreciated by my beloved. I am, however, gradually learning to roll with the punches, so I just said OK, and turned within for clarity and insight.
I was looking extra hard at myself, my relationships to Quinn, our children, our life and the other people in it. I love and hate, but mostly love this process. I reminded myself repeatedly to take full responsibility.
I realized that I was doing all of the things I was holding against others.
Not wanting to be with my own children sometimes, wanting someone else to take care of their needs. (Then feeling conflicted about it.)
Being stupid. As in, having a limited intelligence that allows for certain capabilities and not others.
Wanting someone else to be or live a certain way for me to be happy.
Being in unappreciation of someone, focusing on their faults and shortcomings, constantly criticizing them in my mind, and letting it build up without doing anything to express or shift that experience.
Blaming my mate for the way MY relationship with our children is.
There's more, much more I am sure I will continue to see.
But those are the big and important ones going on for me right now.
No wonder I have let some bulllshit build up within me- I haven't been writing! Many excuses why, blah, blah, blah.
The truth is that I have for most of my life lived at a standard that is lower than what I would wish for myself, and also I am realizing how much in denial I have been about my standards.
Like, for example, this morning, about 20 minutes after really that subtle but super powerful reality check I basically got from Quinn, the girls had gone off to play and I went upstairs to be alone and reflect. I decided to go through the pile of to-do lists that had stacked up on my clipboard over the last few weeks.
When I looked at what I set out to do, and what I actually did, I was a bit surprised and dismayed to find that I was only at about a 65-75% success rate. So I had to admit and acknowledge right there that 1: I think I am more capable and effective than I actually am, and 2: that because of that belief, I take on more than I am actually capable to accomplishing, and then I fail at tasks that are relevant to our whole community. Dammit.
My performance yesterday during our epic party for the filming of this show segment for a major TV network was case in point. I had a lot of fails on this part of my list. Just about everything I was supposed to do during the party, I failed at. These were simple and small things, and a couple of them got covered- the lights and music. But the lounge tent that had 3 man hours in on setting it up went totally unused- that should have been me to make sure it was at least open. I realized today that I failed to put lights in it at all, and then I also should have been the one to volunteer to host the tent, but I didn't.
Instead, I did exactly what Quinn said not to do, which was to spend the first 2 hours of the party getting ready for it. He knew I would be likely to do that, and commanded me not to, and even though I agreed aloud and within, I did it anyway. Super dysfunctional. I didn't even want to do that, but I did it anyway. I took forever getting ready for a party, again.
I have seen myself before go into this certain mode, almost like a low level frenzy, when I am fixated on achieving a certain thing, and I wind up blocking out other important and relevant factors of life that are just passing me by. I have even had dreams where this is happening- where I am trapped in a frenzy of getting ready and miss the actual event. This is pretty major, and goes pretty deep within me. I shall have to look more deeply at this and see what is really going on for me and why.
Initially, I see obviously that I am a bit on the self conscious side in regards to my appearance, particularly in connection and contrast with Quinn. I really want to look like a fitting and adequate mate to him, and he is SO frigging GLORIOUS! It is challenging to try to keep up with him, and I feel like there are so few areas where I could even come close. Being almost as beautiful as he seems like one of the few areas where I have a chance of keeping up with him.
And now I see also that I am just really vain, and rather superficial too. That I am so concerned with appearances, and I would likely do better to try to keep up with him on other levels, deeper and more meaningful levels, where I can help him and contribute ore to our shared purpose.
The whole getting ready forever thing may be a common time trap, especially for women, but I should not be using the low standards of others to set a low bar for myself. I wasn't always like this. I remember my girlfriends in college would do this and I would get bored and restless waiting around for them, when I only took 30 minutes and they went on for like 3 hours.
The truth is that when I consider how I would like my life to go, it ideally would be better than what I am currently doing, in this and many other areas.
Ideally I would have been realistic at projecting what I could reasonably achieve, done everything on my list, had it all happen on time, and had energy and time to consider other things as well. Bigger picture things. I would have gotten everything ready on time, including myself, and gotten my ass down to that lounge tent, made tea and served it, along with a variety of smoke blends, I would have been knowledgeable about all of them, shared lots of healthful and sustainable realities, and raised support for my community by selling the heck out of those herbs. And meanwhile, I would have been representing myself, Quinn and the GOE as a radiant badass of sharing and upgraded existence.
Damn, If I am going to be the woman I really want to be, I have GOT to STEP IT UP!!!!
Hold higher standards for who I am and how I live.
Get my SHIT DONE- right, efficiently, on time.
Get a grip on all this little stuff so that I can actually achiever something meaningful in my lifetime. At this rate, it won't happen... NOOOOO!
So I need to stop making any excuses or justifications of why crappy performance is OK. It is not OK with ME!
And I need to annihilate blame. Any and all of it. It is disempowering and cuts me off from my true ability to create my experience as I desire it to be.
Take life by the horns, Inok.
Now is the time.
Now, now, NOW!!!!!
BE who you want to be and don't let anything get in your way!
Love yourself enough to give yourself the awesome you that is in there!
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.