I am a Selfish mommy, now keeping it more real, and aspiring for more

So, the big question that I have finally realized IS the big question is: ​

“How can I address within myself the vibration of being in alignment with my children being needy, whiny, and demanding?”

I know that they are waaaaay more this way with me than with anyone else. Perhaps they are only this way with/for/when interacting with/in regards to me.

Yes, it is common that this is the case. Kids across the world do seem to whine 99% for their mamas. But I do not wish to allow that to be a justification for my continued complacency with an unhealthy and super un-enjoyable pattern of relationship.

So, I “know” that I am the creator of my own experience, 100%. Even if it hasn’t been enough knowing to make me the master of my own creation, I do accept this as true.

And I “know” that everything that can exist does. EVERYTHING. All possibilities playing out simultaneously, and I experience the version of reality that I am in vibrationally in alignment with.

That’s what I believe.

So, rather than continue to blame my innocent daughters and my basically enlightened mate for my own sometimes shitty relationship with my children, I must:

• Admit -really- that I am at many levels blaming them for my own shitty experience
  
  Take full responsibility for my experience
• Acknowledge that I am co-creating that shitty experience for my children. Since I am aligning with this pattern, I am calling forth from their being the match to my vibration. They are needy because I need them to be. Cut that out! It is traumatic and damaging for them! Care enough about them to get it together, woman!
• Now, DO something about it!
• And, actually produce some desired RESULTS!
• Meaning, KEEP it up! Practice makes perfect. Mothering requires a unique skill set that can be built and enhanced- with practice. Even if by my nature I am a little ill suited to certain important aspects of motherhood, I CAN learn, and I can TRAIN myself to be better at these things.
• CAUTION: Do NOT go through another lame round of going through some motion that is ineffective, yet just enough for me to believe myself when I tell myself that “I’m trying”. This behavior is lazy, irresponsible, and a total trap of repeated shitty experience.
• ALL I NEED IS TO CARE ENOUGH.
• Admit to myself that if I truly cared enough, I would MAKE IT MY PRIORITY to grow myself in whatever ways were necessary to be an effective mother.
• Admit to myself that I have just not cared enough to get the results I want as a mother. I have not truly made this my highest priority and fully applied myself to mothering. Rather, I have allowed my interest, attention and time be spent on things that I would consciously deem less important or valuable, merely out of addiction or other unconscious fixation.

Just now, as I was writing this, I wandered off onto the facebook vortex and got lost for a few minutes. But I did see a video that is relevant to my current query.

I saw this video about a forest kindergarten in Germany that is all outdoors, and where they use real tools and fire. I thought it was so cool and wholesome and awesome!

And then I realized that this was just like what Quinn has been telling me for years would be most ideal for our children, and is available to us right here in the Garden of Eden.

So I think this is a great way to have kids grow up, and I can do it right here where I am now, where I have been living the whole time I have been a mother. And yet I have spent very, very, very little time with the children doing anything even remotely like this.

Why? It is now painfully obvious that it is simply because I don’t care enough. That is what it comes down to. Period.

I could have been utilizing and harnessing this healthful natural environment all along, but I haven’t.

Instead, I have been allowing my own selfish desires for other feelings or experiences take precedence over consciously creating the most beneficial experiences I could have for these little ones.

I have allowed my impulses, weaknesses, and inexperience dictate my daily flow and my relationship with my environment. I think it is so cool to be outdoors in the heat and cold, and yet I don’t actually do it myself, nor to I engage the children in living that way. Of all the people living here at this ecovillage, I spend way the least amount of time outside.

All in all, I must admit to myself how little I do that is truly, really for the children. The truth of my motives is much more often than not based on some selfish desire, rather than true caring for their wellbeing or healthy development. I so often use the cover idea that what I am doing is for them, when really that is just a lie I tell myself, and then to my children and my mate, to feel better about my selfish life, and pretend that I am a better mother than I really am.

Okay, SO. Now that I am on a page more like actual reality, in terms of my awareness of how I am being in my relationship with my children, I am in a much better position to create the relationship I WANT to have with them.

I realize that to create the relationship I want with them, I must create within MYSELF, the relationship to myself as a mother/ relationship to motherhood that I want.

I have a lot of semi-conscious patterning that motherhood is lame, hard, burdensome, etc. This plays out for me as recurring experiences of strain, burden, annoyance, etc.

So, theoretically, if I can change my beliefs and attitude about motherhood to one of empowerment and enjoyment, then I should also simultaneously change my experience into one of empowerment and enjoyment. More consistently. I have my moments in both realms, yet I know I can shift my experience to be less in the realms of sucking and more in the realms of awesome.

Getting real with myself can be so ugly, but that is just because I can be so ugly.

I recognize that it is a critical step in getting from who I am being now, to who I really want to be. I so often allow myself to live in states of denial, imagining that I am being much more like my ideal than I really am.

Now that I am being more truthful with myself about where I really am, I am in a much better position to get myself to where I want to be. 

Interestingly, I can feel that I am truthfully still most motivated by a desire to see myself in a certain way, and my care for the children is actually a secondary concern. I want to be  good mommy, not for them but for me. Doesn't seem like that is going to work... I just have to CARE MORE ABOUT THEM, TRULY.

Love will lead the way.
Follow the love.
Let go of the truly unimportant other stuff. 
Stop feeding my own greedy, needy ego and remember wholeness. 
Feed the love. Grow the love, and let it take over my being. 
That feels like the path to fulfillment and success as a mother. 

I have my instructions from myself.
You CAN!
You MUST! 
You WILL!
​NOW DO IT, SELF!!!!