This morning when I woke up, despite still having an amazing life and having had a pretty awesome yesterday ( I cried tears of joy, love and gratitude AGAIN before bed, making for 4 times that day!) I was actually basically a cranky bitch.
I stayed up pretty late last night with Quinn, enjoying hours of juicy time alone, relating and enjoying one another in many ways and on many levels. Day was just breaking, the sky slowly growing light and the birds beginning to chirp outside as we climbed into the pyramid bed to sleep beside out little angels. I said a silent prayer that the next day would be smooth, yet noticing that the girls had a several hour lead over me on getting rested.
I handled it ok when Noki woke up first. At first I just passed her some books as I sleepily rolled over for a few more minutes of blessed rest. After a short while, she wanted to get up and I went with her downstairs, and helped her get settled with a homemade popsicle and some Daniel Tiger. Then told her I wanted to go back to bed and she said okay.
Noki is such an easy child to care for- so self sufficient and calm-natured. Even when she was only a year old, she would sometimes take herself outside and play on her own. And now at 2 and a half, she happily spends many hours a day hanging with whomever is around, or playing on her own.
When QiQi woke, I had a harder time. I always have a harder time with QiQi. And I hope sincerely that through journaling about it, I can expedite the evolution process, because this shit is getting old.
For years I have had the same problem with her where I feel that she is making demands of me I do not want to fulfill, specifically also that she wakes me up and insists that I get up and be with her. -Wait, I am blaming her.
Actually my problem is that I have anxiety about getting enough rest, combined with a feeling of being burdened by motherhood, combined with a feeling of not having my needs considered by QiQi, which results in the repeated experience of being woken up by her.
In truth I was not even that freaking tired, and it could totally have been easy for me to just decide to get up and be with her, because that is what SHE wanted, and I LOVE her!
I was only half aware of it at the time, and felt too disconnected to achieve a different experience this time around. I was just barely conscious enough in the moments of the experience of it that even though I still acted and spoke from the same place of burden and frustration and blame, I was able to see just a little more clearly than ever before how childish, idiotic, selfish and difficult I was being.
So when she woke up, I gave her some cuddles until she was ready to get up. She pulled on my arm, and told her that I was still tired and wanted to sleep some more. I suggested that she go downstairs and let me sleep so that I would not be a cranky mom.
Already blaming. Putting my mood on her little shoulders.
But it gets worse.
The I tried bribing her.
And when that didn't work, I used more subtle forms of manipulation, based on truth and consequences, but poisoned with blame.
I told her that if she went immediately downstairs and let me and daddy sleep for as long as we want, then we would wake up happy and be a fun mom, and that I would see about taking her to play in some water, like the nearby splash pad.
It sort of worked. She was motivated and went to gather her things and was headed for the door. She stopped in the doorway for a look-back I-L-Y hand sign to me, our tradition whenever she does actually leave my presence, usually to let me rest. I love this little ritual, because when we are in flow, this is the way we connect and she gets some reassurance that even though I want to be alone for a while, my love for her is still true and present.
I signaled from the bed with a smile, and she from the doorway, and her smile turned sad. She set down her things and came back into the bed. I received her with a big hug but really hoped that would be all and that she would then feel secure enough to go (already).
My sweet embrace turned sour after I realized that she was going to hang on to me. I started to say some cranky bullshit, and then got up in a bit of a huff and went to the closet. I had resigned to get up rather than argue with QiQi in bed and wake Quinn, but I was growing more resistant to complying with QiQi's wishes, because I had felt so like she didn't care about mine.
She followed me into the closet and I continued to be a cold bitch to her, saying how I didn't want to be around people who don't care about what I want for myself, and threatening to find a secret place to sleep alone. Man I was really laying it on thick, blaming and guilt tripping her, trying all sorts of shit to get her to listen to me, and all the while making it her fault that I was tired and cranky.
I was hoping that Quinn could not hear us, not only because I didn't want to wake him with my bitching, but also because I didn't want him to see me being a bitch to our kid in the same damn way I have done probably hundreds of times before. He finds it disgusting and unacceptable, and calls me out every time, sometimes more and sometimes less gently.
But WTF, Self?!
As I said, I was semi-conscious during this little adult tantrum I was having, so there was a nit of me that was watching and witnessing experience without being totally in it. My higher self chimed in with some key reminders, that I was still unable to act on, but at least I did hear them, take note, and now I am doing my best to integrate and embody a high level of awareness and responsibility.
Ideally, I can be enough of a big girl to regulate myself, be responsible for my own shit, not blame it on the kids, and not need him to spend his time and energy policing his children's mother just to prevent me from psychologically abusing them.
So what is the REAL reason why I have this repeated shitty experience?
ME of course! My fear, my selfishness, my lack of insight and control, my low vibrational patterns of existence, feelings of burden, lack of consideration. etc. All my feelings about MYSELF, manifesting as they MUST as my experience.
And poor QiQi, has really no choice but to be the needy "nuisance" that I need her to be to fulfill this role and help me create situations that show me how I feel.
Quinn has shown me countless times how my feelings about myself manifest into matching experiences in my life.. I am now aware of many patterns of dysfunction that play out for me. Though, I am only as aware as I am, and it often takes me many months of observing myself and nudging myself into a different feeling, vibration and experience.
I know that it is crazy that I blame QiQi for my feelings or experience, and even do it regularly. I sincerely hope that making this sort of public confession will help me to SHIFT and start taking responsibility, and stop blaming this innocent and pure little girl, who just wants lots of love and attention. Who doesn't?
I find it tragic and blasphemous that I have done this so many times. And in truth, if it weren't for Quinn's insight and wisdom, I wouldn't even be aware of it now. In fact, I am so dense and attached to my patterns of stress that it has taken Quinn years of pointing out patterns to me in every which way he could think to say it, hoping and praying that he would get through to me, and save his sweet daughter from her mean mommy.
By mid morning, I had mostly snapped out of it, realized how nasty and blaming I was being, how unfair and potentially damaging that could be, and got my shit together.
I decided to let go of my bullshit complaining and blaming, and just to enjoy supporting my beloved daughter. I let her lead me outside to her recent favorite play spot, underneath a beautiful low arching tree and vine just in the back yard.
She already had a bag of clothes gathered and was carrying that and a blanket I had said was okay for outside. She wanted to lay the blanket down under the tree, but I thought it would be too many sticks. I suggested we get a yoga mat, and Noki agreed. I started to head inside to get the yoga mats, getting distracted with picking up some stuff in the yard only 5 feet away, and knowing that it would realistically take me another 5 minutes just to get the damn yoga mats because I am SO easily distracted.
QiQi said, "Mom, that takes too long, let's just do it!" She caught me, red handed, doing my signature move- making things more difficult and complex than they need to be and assassinating a bunch of time in the process.
I said aloud, "Oh no, am I making things difficult again?" to which she immediately replied "Yeah Mom, Let's just put it down. We don't need those."
Okay, I was thankful and laughing quietly to myself, about my silly self, consciously letting go of that funky resistant and needy vibe within myself that was actually the whole problem all along.
When I went back into the little tree cubby, I saw how beautiful it was there, and realized that I had never taken the time to really appreciate this beautiful spot. I also saw that there were plenty of spaces that were naturally already soft with leaves and that I WAS just making things difficult. So silly, me.
We laid the blanket down on the leaves and it was super comfy. I laughed inside myself, at myself, again.
I enjoyed several minutes of play with the girls before I was having yet another problem- mosquitoes, all over my body, probably set to a frenzy by the richness of my blood, full of just the hormones they seek for incubating their eggs (that is actually why they sting).
I was getting itchier by the moment, applying much of my focus into staying calm and solution oriented. QiQi had brought a cape and I asked to put it on. It worked perfectly making a little tent around my seated body. OK, ok, ok, that was easy.
I observed that only I was bothered by the mosquitoes, attributed it to my hormones being more attractive and therefore drawing the mosquitoes to me and away from them, But then I saw they were all over them too, and that the girls were apparently not bothered.
I noticed how it was just my problem oriented brain that kept tuning into whatever sucked most about my moment, instead of tuning into the massive amount of other things that are friggin awesome and amazing and so easy about my life.
The hardest thing I deal with every day is actually my own mind.
OK, QiQi now wants me to play RIGHT NOW, and THIS TIME, I am going to feel the love, find the flow and go with it!
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.