I have recently been looking extra hard at myself, my life, my effect on those around me, my net impact on my family and my community.
I have said before how I am truly the least dedicated, productive and responsible person at my community, and I wasn't being modest. At all.
I shall say now that the discrepancy between my contributions and that of the others in my community is minuscule compared to the vast ocean of difference between what I give to Quinn and what he gives to me. I am almost too ashamed to say it, but to deny and hide the truth would be even worse.
The truth is that that Quinn basically treats me like a Queen, while I treat him the way a Queen might treat a stable boy. Worse than that... This is not just my deep inner unworthiness talking- I REALLY DON"T deserve to be treated so well, especially considering the way I treat him.
He considers me first in all matters, large and small, while I consider him last, if I consider him at all.. He gives me the very best of his time, energy, insight, resources, patience and persistence. I give him the leftovers of my day, my meals, my energy, and I give up on him altogether on the whim of my ever changing mood.
And the vast difference in our treatment of each other is only made more crazy and unfair by the equally vast difference in the quality of our characters.
Quinn conducts himself like a King. He is generous, benevolent, and honorable. He lives and breathes to serve his family, his community, and all of life itself! He cares so deeply for the wellbeing of the whole, striving to help people he doesn't even know to rise above their conditions and conditioning, and live lives of health and fulfillment. His great purpose for existing is multifaceted and complex, but basically, it is to empower and enlighten, to provide simple and sustainable solutions to the most basic necessities of life, and to help usher in a New Paradigm of Thrival for as many people as possible.
I conduct myself like a spoiled princess. I live to serve myself. I have often told myself and even sometimes believed a different story, but that is the truth. When I am clear, I can feel the truth of that. On a daily basis, I am most motivated by getting the simple and small things that bring me fleeting and shallow pleasure. I am most concerned with my food, my comfort, my space, my stuff.
Quinn is unwavering in his dedication and commitment to his purpose, almost never compromising, except for me sometimes. In every decision he makes, in addition to considering the wellbeing of his family, he is considering the wellbeing of every person affected! He avoids allowing his money to support the mega-corps and governments that destroy and degrade life, going to great lengths sometimes to work around them. He is conscious and responsible with the way he interacts with the world, considering deeply how people far away would be affected if he were to live as unconsciously and irresponsibly as most everyone else does.
I would be living a standard unconscious and irresponsible life if it were not for him. I would probably be spending lots of money, working a lot to get that money, and then telling myself and my children that I am doing it for them, when really it would be a lie. Kids don't care about stuff. They care about presence and love, freedom and fun.
Most of the time I do care about my kids. But realistically my concept of being and my ability to love are really shallow compared to Quinn's. Even when I am at my best, my love isn't as beneficial as his because I am so small in my perspective compared to him. And on top of that, all too often I allow my kids' needs come second to my own selfish desires, and I just make up a cover story to pretend to myself and the world that I do what I do for them. I have even considered some serious moves that would have been highly detrimental to them, all motivated by my fragile ego and my selfish desires. I am too often in a bad mood that spreads into them like a plague of misery, and though I feel sorry about it later, I have not yet found it within myself to stop doing that to them. I sincerely hope that by acknowledging this truth out loud, I will find a way to shift my reality.
I don't mean to be this way, but I guess I was just wired that way through years of conditioning and being a subject of the materialistic matrix of our capitalistic, self serving and greedy culture. I can remember when I used to care about honesty, integrity, values, purpose, but back then I was still just a kid, and found no support for such values in the world around me. I want to stop allowing myself to be ruled by my conditioning, and empower myself to choose consciously, and writing the truth is an important step in that process.
It is so unfair, so unbalanced and so in need of correction. And yet, rather than give me less, Quinn simply and patiently calls me out on being lame, and does his very best to lift me up and help me become the woman and the mate I truly want to be, the woman and mate who Quinn really deserves.
In fact, in a way, Quinn already does have the mate that he really deserves. The unfairness of our life extends to her as well. Shellie was Quinn's lover and mate for years before he and I met. And even after he lost his desire and passion for her, she continued to pour her love and dedication into him, serving and supporting his purpose, his passions, doing whatever she could to Love, faithfully and unconditionally.
Their relationship is very unique, based on a deep love they both share for one another, yet different from each side. She is IN LOVE with him, and wants things with him that he just doesn't feel for her. Yet he loves her dearly, provides for her amply, and supports her evolution like a great guru-granddaddy. He has acknowledged openly and honestly to me many times that she is the person who loves him the most, and the person whom he most trusts. She is his biggest supporter, and most dedicated servant, having given her blood, sweat and tears consistently and reliably for the last 5 years to support that which is most important to Quinn, even while that means he creates life and love with another woman.
In five years of living with both of them, I have never once heard her speak a single word against him, in public or in private, nor ever seen her turn from him in the slightest, nor even consider any of the other suitors that come to call. Yet I have done all those things to him. In five years, I have never once seen him kiss her a lover's kiss, flirt with her, present her with flowers, food or other gifts, yet he regularly blesses me with such gifts.
If anyone deserves to have Quinn's doting care, his affection and desire, his constant consideration and the best of his resources, it is actally Shellie, not me. Yet, life is really just not fair, and neither is love. I am the one who reaps the vast majority of the rewards of Quinn's love, while she is the one who deserves it.
For about 90+% of our 5 years together, Quinn has been super present, so supportive and generously loving towards me, treating me way better than he treats everyone else, and way, way, way better than I treat him. The other 10% he has been oh so patient and tolerant, forgiving and benevolent, still treating me way, way, way better than I treat him.
He considers me and the children first in just about every decision he makes, big or small. He always brings us the very best of whatever new resources he has, and lets me get first pick of my own personal favorites. He even surprises me pretty often with flowers that he arranges in a vase and puts into my room when I'm not looking.
I, on the other hand, barely consider him at all. I go about my day considering mostly how I can make myself look and feel good. I often offer to do things that I say are for him, but really are for me, while ignoring the things he really cares about.
Like, sometimes I spend 2 hours preparing something to eat to satisfy my own selfish specific craving, while he makes sure the kids are cared for, handles all the important business of our lives, provides high level support and guidance to the other members of our community. Then when I am all done, I will set the leftovers in a container for him to eat later, even though he doesn't care about food in general, doesn't particularly like the food I made, and would much rather that I invested that time in something worthwhile, something with lasting and real value. Even if I were to spend all day meditating, journaling, doing yoga and the like, while he took care of the, kids and all the important stuff, he would consider it a worthwhile investment for the sake long term wellbeing and stability of our family. That is how big and benevolent his perspective it.
Every time he is present with me, he gives me his full and complete attention, which is a lot, because he is so focused and present with whatever he attends to. Every kiss we share is like a vortex of True Love, when everything else melts away for those few moments.
I almost never hive him my full attention, mostly because I basically can't. I am almost always distracted, if not by the children, then by my incessant obsession with food, sleep and my other base animal functions. Even when I have time where the demands of my children and my body are satisfied, I still have my crazy little mind, churning away in the background, plotting and scheming, twisting and stretching, to what end even I don't fucking know.
He is always honest with me about how he feels about me, telling me truthfully when he thinks I am being lame, disgusting, dishonorable or holding myself to low standards.
I hold back the darkest of my feelings and beliefs about him, whipping them out only when I need to use them as ammo and as justifications for my treacherous plots of betrayal. Yes, treacherous plots of betrayal- like when I pretend that everything is ok, while secretly machinating on how I can start a new life without him and take our kids with me. Hard. Core. Bitch. Thankfully, he can just about read my mind and always knows how and when to intervene before I destroy our family.
And even despite the darkness I have almost hatched against him, he has forgiven all my trespasses against him, and continued to be an angel of love and support, even after being truly hurt, gravely threatened and even really wronged by me. Yes, I did all those things. Multiple times.
AND, He has never once lost his temper at me, NOT ONCE! Even when I dropped our baby in the ocean (true story for another time), even when he found me kissing another man and secretly plotting to leave him, even though I blame everything on him, while really it is just me, he remains calm and finds a way to handle me gently.
So, yes, he basically treats me like a Queen, while I act more like a spoiled princess, selfishly making demands and throwing fits if I don't get my way. It really shows just how much of a King's gracious and benevolent spirit he really has, that he is able to continue to love me though all of my unconsciousness, disrespect, and even betrayal.
We have been through multiple rounds of this cycle where I build up blame and resentment towards him secretly, even secret from myself at times, and then use my delusions as ammo to plot my escape from his tyrannical truth. Of course I selfishly want to take the children with me, even though I have a proven track record of leading them into stress, while he has a proven track record of holding a space of freedom and fun that oozes effortlessly from his being, like a bubble of bliss encapsulating them. I am so ruled by my own ego that I would rather drag the kids along in my delusions than to acknowledge what a shitty mother I am and let them have a free, healthy and happy life without me.
So, through Quinn's patience and insight, I am eventually faced with the truth, which is so obviously true, even in my miserable state of hating myself and my life, that I melt.
The last few days we have been through one of these rounds of craziness, and this morning I melted, and decided to share all of this.
There is much more truth to be told relevant to all of this, but that is about all I can handle for one day.
I so deeply hope that by sharing this, which is about my darkest truth, that I will be able to see, accept and love myself enough to become the person I want to be.
And I hope that it inspires you to face your own darkest truth, get real about it, accept and acknowledge it, take responsibility for it, and love yourself enough to grant yourself the You you know you can be too.
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.