Today was another blissful waking in bed with my beloved children and lover. I admired for a few moments their exquisite beauty, thinking that I was blessed to have the most beautiful family in the multiverse before I wiggled out of my wedge between the girls to snuggle up to Quinn. I savored a few moments of quiet connection with him, each of us lovingly present with one another, gazing into each others eyes.
I was overwhelmed with the feelings of love and gratitude, such that tears welled up in my eyes.
I thought to myself and then said aloud a thought which I have pretty often: "How did I get to be the one with Quinn, this extraordinary and amazing light being come to live among the humanimals?"
I have thought this many times before.
I wish I could say it was because I deserve it, but I know that couldn't be it. Surely there are others who are much more deserving than I of such support, love and connection with such a truly special and powerful being as Quinn.
Truthfully, of everyone here at the GOE, I contribute by far the least, I am the least committed to sustainability, I spend the most time assassinating time, and I demand the most resources, time and energy from Quinn.
I have often noticed this contrast to Shellie, who is also dearly in love with Quinn, and would probably love nothing more that to be basically in my position. Each day she is the most focused, the most productive, the most supportive of Quinn, the one he can really rely on no matter what. It seems to me that she and that if anyone were to deserve such rewards as what I receive from him, it would be her.
I can scarcely imagine how challenging it must be at times for her to be aware of this massive difference in our overall support of Quinn and his purpose and projects, in contrast with the difference between how much time, energy, attention, affection and resources we receive from him.
It isn't fair.
But that is just True Love.
There is no reason behind it.
It is not motivated my gain.
Or even swayed by cost.
(I admit I am "pricey" in the human and material energy required for my stability. I basically freak out if I don't get what I think I need.)
I have had a really sick dysfunction playing out for a long time in my relationship with Quinn that I just uncovered.
In five years of supporting me materially, emotionally and spiritually, Quinn has scarcely asked me for anything.
But he has made it clear that if I want to do ANYTHING to serve and benefit him, the best thing would be for me to simply write and share my true experience of being with him.
Just a few notes of truth.
Well for 5 years, it wasn't. There was always some reason why I thought I was too busy, that there were other things that more immediately needed to be done, blah, blah, blah.
All of that was just surface shit to cover up the three real reasons why I was holding myself back
1. I wasn't ready for my work to be appreciated. I needed to feel :
unappreciated, because that is what I was used to, where I felt safe.
2. If course I was a bit shy about sharing all this inner stuff. I am crazy and now EVERYBODY will know!
3. The one that relates to Quinn and perhaps the strongest of all three inner obstacles: I needed to be not only a little useless but actually costly overall because I needed that as proof that I was loved just for me, and not for what I provided/contributed.
Through five years and a few complete break-down and re-builds of our relationship, Quinn had exceeded my known quotient for patience, persistence and True Love. Beyond any baggage-rooted stories or fear-based illusions, Quinn has really demonstrated that despite being the most difficult and taxing relationship in his life, HE LOVES ME TRULY! He has shown through his actions and up against some hard tests I have put him to that he wants me in his life, and would keep loving me even if I never changed, evolved, contributed much at all.
I have the proof my damaged and abandoned inner child needed to finally feel secure in Love. In fact, the evidence is overwhelming.
The last time I freaked out and thought Quinn didn't love me and that I should rearrange my whole life to run away from the pain of rejection, I asked my community what they thought about what I thought. They agreed unanimously that I was being " a crazy Kid" (what we call the children when they are freaking out), and that it was beyond obvious that Quinn loves me.
So after years of trials and tribulations and Quinn stepping up up again and again, blasting my fears away with his love time after time, I am finally ready to let myself really believe and even KNOW that I AM LOVED, TRULY.
Here is How I Got To Be So Blessed:
Looking at my life, myself, and what I know about how the universe works, I have concluded that I am The One who presently gets the magnificent blessing of being with this special being by 2 mechanisms:
1. I wished, and wished, and wished with all my heart, truly. I have literally spent countless hours of my life deliberately wishing wishes. I would say that probably half of all my wishes between age 8 and 28 were about finding True Love, about how much I wanted this, and how I wanted this person and this relationship to be. I swear I conjured this love, this relationship, even this being out of my imagination and into my life through the combined power of desire and hope.
One of the very first and still most powerful lessons I recall learning from Quinn was that one of my greatest powers of creation is the power of desire, of wishing with all my heart for whatever I want!
I realized how I had shut myself down from even considering allowing myself to actively or consciously wanting whatever I wanted, because of feelings or beliefs of limitation.
The biggest example was that I thought relationship and especially marriage was only destined to be a hell prison, and that if I wanted to be happy and stable in life, then I had better never fall too deeply in love and definitely not rely on a man. I had few fantasies about having children, probably mostly because of this limiting belief about relationships, but even in my fantasies, I was guarded. I imagined that I would have one daughter and that the father would leave us the hell alone.
How sad is it when we don't even allow ourselves to dream of living the life that we truly and deeply desire?
So I have found that allowing and nurturing wishes is so enriching to my soul and so constructive to my life, so long as I can wish without attachment. And actually, letting go of attachment I have found is another key to making those wishes really fly. Without attachment, I am more free within myself to just wish away, letting myself want it as much or as deeply as I truly feel. My wishes can just be wishes, and don't have to be anything more.
I actually spend time almost every day actively wishing for whatever I wish! It is so freeing and feels so great! And it is a great opportunity to mentally "try out" different realities. Do I really wish for that? If I were all powerful, and that could be my reality right now, would I choose that? Some fun games to play that help me get to know my ever changing self better. It is so fun!
2. I said YES!!! to True Love when it showed up, and again and again and again. I have said yes on many levels and in many ways, and that is how I got to be here with my amazing family thus far.
I am just now taking this one to another level, as I am only very recently moving on from a deep inner mistrust of this love/man/relationship and learning to trust and really believe in this Love at a whole new level.
Saying yes to receiving what we want and have been wishing for can be surprisingly difficult. I have found myself wrought with deep feelings of unworthiness that have been really difficult even to see much less actively work with. They are so deeply ingrained within my being that they are just normal. Like the stain on the antique table that has been there forever, you just don't even register that it is there at all after owning it for 20 years.
I have struggled with mistrust of love and at the core was a deep feeling of unworthiness. Even though I said yes enough to rearrange and base my life on the foundation of this love and this relationship with Quinn, it has been plagued by episodes of fear and thoughts of destruction, all rooted in fear and mistrust.
Ultimately, I was holding myself apart from the love that was all around me because I didn't love myself enough to let that be my reality all the time. I couldn't allow myself to have an experience that I didn't feel I deserved.
I must be at a new level of love for myself because I am now have a deeper trust in our True Love than ever, a readiness to alow my experience to be even more fulfilling, and even a willingness to do some things that might get me some appreciation.
In reality, when I think about not just being unconditionally loved, but also being actively appreciated by my mate, it makes me uncomfortable...
But it is a challenge I am ready for. Bring it ON!
All in all, I am discovering that living an experience of fulfillment comes about by deliberately aligning myself energetically with the vibration of love.
I have been awake for about 5 hours today.Already three times today already I have been brought to tears of gratitude for the awesomeness and fulfillment of this amazing life and love that I am so blessed to share with my beloved and an angel of a being, Quinn Eaker.
I wish you blessings and fulfillment such as this.
May your eyes cry tears of joy and gratitude for the overflowing abundance of blessings and blissings in your life too.
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.