It's been almost 2 months since I last made a post here, or did any sort of journaling at all.
SO typical me.
I am really great at getting a ball rolling.
And then dropping it like a hot potato.
I do have some reasons that might be considered legitimate excuses at to why I was just too busy to write.
But truthfully, as I already know, as my track record has already proven, I am better off if I write than if I don't. As in, more mentally and emotionally clear, focused, and stable in a high vibe zone.
And since I have neglected the obviously important aspect of my physical and mental health care, I am in a shitty place mentally and emotionally.
In fact, I cannot remember EVER doing this much mental complaining. I want to tell myself to shut up! My thoughts have become SO negative, complaining, criticizing, and just bitching it up. Internally I am blaming, blaming, blaming the people and circumstances around me for everything that sucks. Meanwhile, on the outside I am not actually doing jack shit about any of the things I supposedly dislike about my experience.
I hope now that I just wrote that and will publish it soon, I will cut that shit out...
There is something magical about public accountability. If it is happening only in my head, I can pretend it isn't happening. But once it is out, I have to face it, and own it or change it.
I have had this same problem consistently throughout my life- I start something all enthusiastic and gung-ho, and then a couple days, weeks, or months later I just stop. The last blog I started had like 6 entries in it, and then a 5 year gap before I finally re-started writing again with this online journal.
So why the hell do I not do all of these things that I KNOW make my experience way better? Am I crazy? Lazy?
Well, yes, somewhat, to both. These mini-reasons get in my way in a short term, immediate sort of way. But in the long term, I think it must come down to self love.
I apparently just don't know how to Love and take care of myself (or my kids) in a functional, healthy way. I didn't really realize I was so far dysfunctional in this regard, until Quinn showed me how he loves himself. And now it is obvious how my ways DO NOT SERVE ME, in anywhere close to the range or capacity that Quinn's way of loving and caring for himself.
I have realized to some degree that I have been conditioned to equate love with stuff, activities, money, presents, words and favors. That is mainly how I was loved growing up, and that is how I loved myself at a young adult.
My late 20's was the peak of my stuff-based self love. I got really good at getting myself everything I wanted. I had sort of given up on any hope of a serious long term relationship and decided to be my own husband. I provided myself a nice house in the city I loved most, a nice apartment too in an adjacent city where I could make lots of money fast, 2 cars, 3 computers, tons of clothes, lots of money, lots of free time, and lots of opportunity to do whatever I wanted with my extra money and free time. I bought myself the best food, ate out as frequently as I liked, and spent lots of time and money doing things I loved most, which was mostly shopping.
Then I met Quinn in the middle of all that, and fell deeply and instantly in love, and I saw how much more there was to love than providing. It was October and I had decided in late September that for my 30th birthday in January, I was going to give myself $30,000.
It was the largest financial goal I'd ever had by a lot, and it was really quite attainable for me at that time. Yes it would have required some sacrifice, but at the end, I would have had something substantial. Something that I could do something big with. Maybe enough to invest in a way of life that was more energetically sustainable, like a piece of land or a business.
Well, Quinn totally blew my mind, and rather than spending my days that fall raking it in, I would up sitting around contemplating everything in my existence that I could wrap my mind around, and some things that I couldn't. For a couple of months I barely worked at all, just enough to cover my financial commitments, and spent my days in quiet reflection.
Then, a week or so before my 30th birthday, I realized that I was pregnant. What a surprise birthday gift! Not what I had wanted, not what I was expecting, but it felt like love, so I went with it.
Well, I did what I usually do and later regret, not realizing that I was doing it again. I ditched the life I had created for myself, and dive headfirst into my partner's vortex.
Honestly, my regret of this decision has been the biggest plague of my current life. I have barely spoken of it, at least in relation to how much I have thought of it, even to my mate. I have had a hard time understanding and facing this mistake, and taking full responsibility for both that decision and my life as it is now.
Eventually I have come to realize that I regret the decision not because it was necessarily the "wrong" choice. I regret it because of WHY I made that decision.
"It's not about what you do. It is about where you are coming from with that action or choice" says Quinn, then as he does now.
And now I can see it. Mostly.
The feelings I was having that motivated me to jump my own ship and try to ride Quinn's wave were in alignment with where I am now.
Rather that taking full responsibility for my life, my motherhood, my home, my everything, I all too easily just handed those responsibilities over to my willing and competent mate. I was being lazy and irresponsible. I wanted to be taken care of. I wanted him to tell me how to be a mother.
And then/now that I am not constantly having the experience I want in life, of course, I blame it all on him.
That obviously isn't going so well.
When I am feeling great and loving my life, it feels like the most happy, free and supported I have ever been.
But when I am feeling trapped, tired, and hating on things left and right, it seems like my life sucks balls, and that it is all because my mate won't make life how I want it.
So here I am, blaming and complaining, turning slowly more into a person that I don't even like... spiraling downward.... hoping that writing and some other stuff I will do for myself will turn it all around.
What do I need to turn this around?
1. the Love- love myself enough to make my own experience better
2. the WILL- must develop and flex my will so I can steer myself
3. the MIND- need to clear my head of disempowered/ing thoughts and replace with positive thoughts and beliefs.
4. TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY!!! I need to remember that the reason I was so happy and high vibe before I met Quinn was not because of the freedom and control I had, per se. It was because I had taken FULL responsibility for making MYSELF Happy. I can do that again, anytime now.
I think if I can combine those three, perhaps I can pull it together for another round of feeling awesome and being productive. And I need to stop dicking around with outside distractions.
Hopefully it will all be worth it when I figure out how to love, manage and wield myself, and create a formula to help other selfish and unruly people do the same for themselves.
OK, those things will help, but I have just seen what is really going to do it.
I've got to realize that the reason why I was so happy and high vibe in my life before meeting Quinn was not because of the outer circumstances I had created for myself. It was because of the level of responsibility I had taken for my own life. I had given up on anyone else making me happy, or happiness coming in a future time, and I had decided to take the reigns, fully and immediately.
It was actually my attitude towards myself and my life that created an experience that felt so free, abundant, inspired, etc. And as long as I am leaving the creation of my life and the crafting of my happiness to someone else, of course I am going to be left wanting!
If to feel amazing, I have GOT to once again fully take the reigns of my own life, happiness, fulfillment, etc. I need to stop letting exterior excuses slow me down or get in my way, and stop being such a baby!
OK life, YOU"RE MINE!
How do I ever let myself not write!?
Writing this entry has totally catalyzed my evolution, as it always does. It helps me SO much to see things in a new way. It often works with telling a friend, but for some backwards reason, I sometimes feel more comfortable and fluid sharing with the whole of the internet than I do with any person. Thanks for listening internet <3
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.