I friggin love my life!
Of course I still have moments that suck! Plenty. But those are pretty much obviously totally the doing of my own inner undoings...
My actual life is super free, easy, abundant and so filled with LOVE!
So, I live on an eco-village called the Garden of Eden, created by my mate Quinn, for the fulfillment of his life purpose in the long run, and for me and our kids in a more immediate sense.
It is SO BEAUTIFUL! Especially this time of year, everything bursting into life. The weather is often perfectly warm and sunny for days in May in this part of Texas. There are flowers everywhere, plenty of greens in the garden, and more free, pure food to come in the months ahead.
I don't have to go anywhere to get all my basic needs met. That's right, I never have to pile my kids into the car, drive through traffic and go pay money at a grocery store to get an abundance of food. My food comes to me! All I have to do is help with the sorting and putting it away. Literally and figuratively.
And I can really put it away. I have this crazy Korean metabolism that likes 4-5 full meals a day and I never get fat, unless I am pregnant, and then it falls off a couple months after I give birth.
I don't go to a job, and I have very few responsibilities within my community. I basically just get to take care of myself and my kids and our abundance of stuff and snacks and activities and such, and the rest is all taken care of.
And by the way, my mate is super loving and supportive, dedicated through the toughest of times, and also GORGEOUS and AMAZING And so wonderful in a gazillion ways.
My life is SO EASY!
And yet... I still find ways to MAKE THINGS DIFFICULT!
I would commonly will let a little mundane task or small project stress me out. It had gotten to the point that my mate had to relieve me of almost all of my community and household responsibilities because I couldn't handle the stress I would create for myself, and I wind up stressing out the children, which is so not worth whatever little thing I was doing to help around the house.
My fucked up childhood dysfunctional stress pattern of everything is a little hard and stressful! I just can't seem to shake it!!!
I have a lot of love, appreciation and respect for my mother and what she did for me. I am not her natural child, she adopted me from Korea where who knows what kind of life or opportunities I would have had. Surely nothing as kush as my young life in Rochester NY. She has loved me as her own and done her very earnest best to be the most loving and supportive mother she could to me.
That said, she was a nervous wreck, quick to anger and prone to freaking out and blaming everyone else for it.
So, unfortunately for me and my kids and, oh man, my poor mate, now I do that shit too. Unless I catch myself. Or my mate does.
OMG, Thank GOD for Quinn's super insightful nature and his steady calm. I would almost definitely be a total mess otherwise. As least with his perspective and reminders, I have a chance at cleaning up the mess inside my head!
We all have patterns that don't work for us, some more than others.
In my easy and abundant life, they become really easy to see how they are ALL ME!
I, like everyone, have absorbed the emotional patterning of my primary childhood caregiver. She absorbed it from someone else. We all make tweaks and try to do better than our own mothers. But just doing a little better than our own mothers seems like a pathetic standard and a slow path to evolution to me.
SO, what am I DOING ABOUT IT?
I have a little program for myself, and sometimes I actually follow it.
Preemptive stress management is KEY!
I have to do some meditation, visualization, breathing, exercises every day. Sometimes I like to lay in bed when I first wake up and visualize/fantasize about myself being an awesome mom, being calm and patient, sensitive and considerate, anticipating our needs and taking steps to meet those needs before they become urgent. I imagine that our daily flow is smooth and that I feel at peace.
It helps immensely if I also add some sort of physical meditation like yoga or dance flow or tai chi. Anything that gets me connected with my breath and body movements and OUT of my HEAD.
In the moments when stress is building within me, that is when I really need to be present, slow down, take a moment and relax. It helps me to close my eyes and check out of everything and just breathe until I am calm.
Sometimes that means I have to do that while there is a screaming child or two right in my face. But whenever I do it successfully, it is always worth the wait. Whenever I fail to calm myself down, well I usually just make things worse before I make them any better.
Ultimately, the biggest factor I keep encountering is how I feel about myself. Do I love myself enough to grant myself the fulfilling experiences of being me that I truly deeply desire?
So loving myself is top of the list in my program.
Hopefully, I can one day make a program that I myself can actually follow and share it with others so they too can overcome their own dysfunctions and realize their potential.
So far, I still have my hands full just trying to manage my own self.
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.