Yesterday the girls and I went for a little visit with another mama and her little girl who live nearby. It was so lovely to spend some time in the baby-mama vortex, feeling at ease with the flow of things being all about the kids. We are still just getting to know one another, although we have been acquainted for months, and it was just the tiniest bit awkward for me at moments, though still very enjoyable.
We spoke a lot about mothering and the situations, concerns and issues that come us for us in our relationships to our kids, our mates and ourselves as mothers, mates and individuals.
The topic wandered into the realm of pregnancy, as she is currently quite pregnant, and I mentioned that I had been experiencing major "morning sickness" for 2 months, unlike with the last three pregnancies, during which I experienced none.
"Oh, are you pregnant? I didn't know" she said.
"Oh well, I am only like 2 months along, so I haven't shared much with others" I replied.
One, two children I have... three pregnancies....
My feelings about that third pregnancy were basically the reason why I wasn't sharing.
Twelve weeks was as far as that pregnancy went, and that is exactly where I am right now.
When I discovered in early November that I was pregnant, I had a lot of mixed feelings about it. Of course there was a part of me that was thrilled, but most of the rest of me felt mired in the seemingly complicated ways that would affect my and my family's life.
I loved my two perfect girls, and I felt like I was just finally and barely getting a grip on effectively caring for and managing the three of us. I was really enjoying the recent increase in freedom and availability of my time to do things other than straight up mothering 24-7! Ok, 24-7 is an exaggeration. I have a community of friends here that has helped me immensely with the kids, making time to play with them, and for me to be free and available to to other things just about every day. But even with all that help, I often felt overburdened by the demands of motherhood and longed for more time to engage in other things.
As they were becoming increasingly more independent, I had really been looking forward to investing some significant time over the next year or more into other things like blogging, websites, business, and helping to build a sustainable anti-empire that would liberate and empower the people of the world! And such,
I had also been cultivating a lot of fantasies about this perfect life that I would live with my two girls. I loved how I had one hand/arm for each one and they both got to be right next to their mama. I thought how wonderful it was that they were both girls and as they grew we would do all sorts of awesome girly stuff together, and be thick as thieves, forever. More or less.
So when I found out that I would be starting back at square one, with a floppy helpless baby on my boob all day, peeing and pooping here and there, and yada yada yada, yet cute and lovable as can be, there was a lot of conflict within me. I saw my perfect two hands-two kids life burning up in the flames of the overwhelming needs and demands of THREE children, one of whom might even be a boy who wanted nothing to do with our girly pursuits, and one of whom is already a handful and a half.
All this mental anguish was compounded by a super spike in hormones, which were causing me to behave rather erratically even before I realized I was pregnant. In fact, this craziness was the most obvious indicator of my condition- literally screaming out loud.
Reflecting back on the experiences I'd had during my pregnancies with QiQi and Noki, Quinn and I realized a pattern: I basically go bat shit crazy when I am pregnant. All three times, I questioned my whole life and most especially my mate, delving into the darkness of my own subconscious fear and tearing my experience up from the inside out. Now we know that if I suddenly believe Quinn is an asshole and that I need to rearrange my life immediately if I am ever going to be anything I want to be, then it is a sure fire sign that I am with child.
The first pregnancy, I threw out my whole solo life and went to live with Quinn in the Garden of Eden, far away from my most beloved city of Sedona. The offer of continued material and spiritual/emotional support from Quinn was enough to make me decide that was the best bet for me and the coming little one. Even if the romantic aspects of our relationship seemed too hot to gamble on, I felt confident that no matter what happened between us romantically, Quinn was a man of high integrity and would honor his pledge to support me and our coming child. So this time, the total restructure of my life worked out greatly in my favor.
The second pregnancy, I fled to Sedona for a few months to work out my own relationship with mothering this new one, because I had felt the last time like I based everything on Quinn and thereby disempowered myself. I wanted to sort out and claim my own relationship to this new pregnancy on my own, and of course I also reconsidered being with Quinn and all that. After I gave myself full permission to pull the trigger and move back to Sedona,I realized I was being a total crazy head and was grateful for my amazing life and mate once again.
The third pregnancy, I flipped out at Quinn and the kids hardcore before realizing I was pregnant. Then a week later, my kids started playing a game that I was having a baby, which oddly, they really never did before. As soon as they said it, a part of me knew it was true. Then while cleaning our a toy drawer of all places, I found a random unused pregnancy test. I laughed out loud to Quinn as I discovered it, knew already it must be true, took the test and saw proof positive that i was pregnant.
Then happy, sad, happy, sad, happy sad about it. I went through a hard time with Quinn shortly, even though I recall our sex was WAY EXTRA good from the time of conception until... I recall feeling like this pregnancy would not result in a baby, and sharing that with Shellie one day when I was at max sadness and distress. She asked me if that was wishful thinking and I replied that it may have been. Whether or not there would be a baby, I knew I was receiving a major wake up call for me to take more responsibility for my life and my experience.
At about 9 or 10 weeks, I recall my belly was bulging already and that I one day went into my closet with the intention of putting away things I wouldn't be able to wear for a long while. But once I got in there, I just knew that it wasn't going to be necessary and I left everything as it was, going on with my day and feeling uneasy about what was to come.
At 12 weeks, I awoke in the middle of the night with a wet feeling between my legs. My heart raced, and I am sure my face must have turned white lying there in the darkness. I flipped on the night light, swiped my yoni and held my hand up in the light for a visual. It was red. Blood. My heart stopped for a moment. I breathed.. I felt. I breathed. I felt. I immediately set to work coping with the possibility that this was the beginning of the end for this baby. I lay there, still on the outside and churning on the inside, processing, processing, processing.
The whole thing took almost another 2 full days to slowly unfold before my body expelled the little gestational sac, again in my bed in the dim light of the night light. I had continued to emotionally and psychologically process the possibility of losing the child throughout that whole time, almost exclusively. So, by the time it was over, I was relieved more than anything else. Though I knew more or less what was likely happening overall, my moment to moment experience of going through it was filled with unbearable uncertainty. Not to mention the physical pain and discomfort.
I had to see what was inside the little blob that came out of me. I steadied myself, preparing myself to be a bit shocked when I looked inside, but needing to know. I cut it open and looked inside
I have never seen Quinn actually look or feel sad to me, but he did for a day or so. And yet he never once acted towards me with any less love or appreciation, or ever even implied any blame or failure on my part for that. It happened to be Christmas eve, and I was so glad that we don't really to the holiday thing, cuz that would have extra sucked.
This fourth time I became pregnant, I was all about it! Quinn and I went through a total breakdown and rebuild since the last pregnancy self-terminated. The rebuild went so well that we made new life! In the first few days when I was still not really late yet but suspecting, I had thought that even if I were not pregnant, I would try to get pregnant. I felt so happy and secure in my relationship with Quinn, and so excited about the possibility of expanding our family, and so keen on giving each of my children the gift of more siblings. And yet I had not really let myself fully embrace this new life with confidence, and not been really aware of that, until now.
I shared with my new friend about having had a miscarriage in the winter, and how that was probably causing me to hold back a bit in sharing with others, at least until I got past the hump of the first trimester danger zone. I told her how I felt pretty uneasy this time around, and how I wished for some way to know what the hell was going on in there (a way that didn't involve any doctors).
She asked if I would want to see if she could find a heart beat with her little portable Doppler machine. "OMG, YES!!!!!!" I would love that!" I beamed. I found myself getting a bit nervous and pacing the room while she went to get the machine. I was even more nervous as I lay down on the kids floor mats and pulled my shirt up. She put some aloe gel onto the little nub on the handheld device, put in some headphones, and pressed the little cold device to my belly. She gently eased it around for a moment and then smiled. She took one earbud out of her ear and pressed it into mine.
Tears overflowed from my heart.
I felt SO relieved!
I hadn't realized just how terrified and stressed I had been about the possibility of losing this baby too, until this moment when I felt the releif of knowing for certain that it is alive and bumping. Yaaaaaayyyyy!
I recalled the many moments that I was oversensitive or paranoid about the wellbeing of the baby, like every time got my belly bumped by one of the kids and went into total fear mode.
So here I am, now again at 12 weeks pregnant, and just now becoming aware of how much that miscarriage has affected me during this pregnancy. When I returned home, Quinn was out in the driveway. I told him immediately about the heartbeat and how afraid I had been all along without even being aware of it. He smiled and told me that if that experience have me one tenth of the peace that he felt, then he was very glad for me.
Later in the evening, he and I were sitting in our room enjoying some togetherness as the girls were presently occupied, and everything important had been taken care of for the day. We were snuggled up so close, wrapped in each others arms, face to face. I looked at my belly and said to Quinn "Baby, there is a little tony human in there who is probably going to come out and be a part of our family for the rest of our lives!". He was like "Uh, yeah... Like you didn't know that before...".
I saw in that moment too how much I had held myself back from fully embracing the reality of this baby, having had so much doubt about it. I had realized that I hadn't been singing or talking to the baby, doing anything to connect with it at all really. I had though a bit about names, and a bit about birth, but almost nothing of the child as it is now, a live being growing inside my belly. I had been too afraid to invest myself emotionally in a new life.
So, now that I am aware of much more than I was 2 days ago, I am enjoying a new found freedom to love, love, love the little being budding in my womb.
And, facing down my lingering fears regarding the less likely outcome that I would have to face another loss, I am ready to share my joy with the world- I Am Pregnant!!!
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.