I have recently realized a greater level of awareness about myself in regards to what actually motivates and drives me.
I am a friggin animal.
I am not choosing consciously to be this way.
But I am basically just a semi-sophisticated animal!
Everyday, for many, many, many moments of the day, I am ruled by my animal self- the part that just wants to eat, sleep, shit and fuck and doesn't care about much else.
I have realized at other points in my life that this has been true to some degree, but not to the degree that I have recently realized.
It was less obvious before, my life was more regimented by school, work, social norms. And there were more people around me who were also operating this way.
But now living with Quinn, who is the greatest master of himself that I have ever seen, I see how base my daily operating motives are.
He has overcome the "needs" of the body, not by eliminating them, but by being at peace with them and by never letting his animal urges influence his actual decisions. As far as I know, he would never make a decision based on or even much influenced by food, sex etc.
Really. Even sex. I have proof.
Our very first night we met, we spent together naked in bed, talking. Quinn laid out right then and there that consciousness must be the foundation of any relationship he participates in, especially an intimate one. We talked until I was too tired to talk more and fell asleep holding hands, instantly in love.
There was another instance of a hot busty blonde woman who spent an entire weekend with Quinn staying in her hotel room, trying every trick in the book to get him into her pants. Yet without the foundation of consciousness, there was no enticement. Actually I can think of another instance just like that with a less busty blonde in Vegas.
Not to mention the countless opportunities of women who were basically in love with Quinn and would have fallen head over heels had he given them the slightest of signs that he was into them too. Many that would probably offer him their wealth and resources if only he would love and hump them. Yet, not only does he not take advantage or exploit these many opportunities, but he is not even tempted!
Hi is living by higher calling- Purpose, Values, Honor, Integrity.
That is the kind of stuff that drives and motivates his daily actions.
Me, I am constantly thinking about food!
I am both blessed and cursed with a high-speed metabolism. On the one hand, I never get close to fat. On the other hand, I am almost constantly hungry!
Especially since I have become a mother, all the baby growing and nursing and high intensity playtime. Whew! If that is not enough to keep a woman fit... So, yes I have legitimately high nutritional demands on my body these last five years.
But seriously, I commonly eat 4-5 FULL MEALS a DAY, sometimes spending hours prepping food in addition to all the time I spend eating and cleaning up. So, even if I ate each meal in 20 minutes and spent only another 20 cooking and cleaning, that would still be 200 minutes- that is over 3 hours a day, just doing food. Not to mention all the time I spend thinking about food. I can be eating one meal and already thinking about the next.
I once did a 10 day fast, before becoming a mother, and i was astonished at how much time I had on my hands! I didn't know what to do with myself.
Thankfully, having children has funneled and transmuted much of my sexual energy into nurturing energy, and so that is much less of a daily drive than earlier in life. At points in my 20's, it was a huge part of what motivated me moment to moment and within life as a whole- the whole mating ritual. But from a rather twisted place because I certainly wasn't trying to produce any offspring back then.
I also wind up being motivated by sleep a fair amount, especially when I am pregnant. I have a dysfunctional nervousness about not getting enough sleep. It is even more obvious now that my life is so free, how wacky and paranoid I am about getting enough sleep. I have on multiple occasions taken some action in nervousness about not getting enough sleep, something that I thought would help me sleep, but in fact prevented me, and would up creating the exact situation I was afraid of in the first place- being tired. Of course. It is all in alignment.
I used to also be obsessed and addicted to modern foraging, aka: shopping. There was one wonderful year of my life that I got to spend dozens of hours shopping each week. And yet, did it lead to fulfillment? Of course not! There was always something else I "needed".
So, living side by side with this exemplary human being who often goes days without hardly any food or sleep, all so that he can share with as many people as possible, the possibility of living healthy, free, and in love, it becomes more obvious how my animal-motives are not going to get anyone anywhere.
I used to roll with chicks who were equally motivated by the desire to chow down on some deliciousness, or to hook up with a hottie, or to score some stylish new duds, and we were all fine with this being our daily existence. Just moving from the pursuit of one pleasure to the next. No higher purpose or perspective.
I admit, it is hard not to judge myself in the face of such a being, living so dedicated to purpose and so badass with so few personal needs. He is able to accomplish SO MUCH because he has overcome these lower aspects of himself.
I want so much to be more like him. One of the many reasons why I am so dedicated to our life together. I want to do for myself what he has done for himself.
I want to rise above the "needs" or my animal being. I want to be clear and conscious, fluidly present with purpose and importance. I want to be able to hear my body saying it wants this or that, and know that I don't HAVE to act on it NOW. I want to feel secure in knowing that the needs of my body will be met, easily and abundantly, and also that I can defer that fulfillment whenever I choose.
I know that judging myself will not help at all.
What I must do is simply love myself and actively give myself the energetic nurturing and support to overcome these dysfunctional patterns of making choices based on influences that I do not want to be the major influences.
I am actively making a new habit of catching myself in the moment of choosing what to do with my moment, and recalling purpose, true importance, and finding that steadfast place within me that is already whole and complete, needing nothing and ready to help and contribute.
Slowly but surely, I can love and train my own inner animal into serving my higher being, rather than the other way around.
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.