No one knows this blog is here yet, so it is still just all my own private journal.
I feel a bit more relaxed recalling that.
I have been wanting to write a blog like this, a public journal of sorts, for a long time. At least five years, since the first time in my adult life that I wrote something that was an intimate account for sharing.
I loved the experience of writing and of sharing both.
And yet WHY in the hell, if I loved it so much, and got so much personal fulfillment out of writing it, not to mention some rare recognition from my partner, do I NOT DO IT? FOR FIVE YEARS?!?!
I obviously have some sort of block.
hen I consider deeply why I don't do it, I come to the realization that I am not yet ready to feel that good about myself, or to be appreciated and honored by my partner, who asks virtually nothing of me, except that I write or record in some way the truly profound experiences I have had with and through him.
Like really, almost nothing.
I remember when I first realized how little he asks of me, about 4 years ago, which would have been about 7 or 8 months into our intense True Love at first sight relationship. We were lying in bed in a cozy little room at a client't place. We had just come back from our 5 month baby-moon in Costa Rica, where he spoon fed me while I held our clingy baby.
I hadn't noticed for all those months, but he would just about never ask me for ANYTHING! Like not even for some water, or to grab his ringing phone from right next to me, or for any help with anything at all. He wouldn't ever even "try" to get sex from me!
In truth, it was probably years before he even started making small practical requests of me, instead only occasionally offering so do something or other for me, and almost always doing whatever I asked of him, which was a lot.
As a new mother, I was really awkward and nervous, and very ravenously hungry, day and night. I had to ask him for help with everything from cooking my meals to helping me dress when I couldn't calm the baby enough to set her down, to buying me food from a grocery store, which he hasn't done besides then in like 15 years.
I don't know what sparked it, but laying there in bed that night, I suddenly realized that he asked for almost nothing from me. With tears in my eyes, I realized yet another gift he had given me- his truly unconditional love, with no quid pro quo required.
How profound to be so loved and so supported, in a way that I had never experienced from a man, much less a lover. I had been involved in a lot of relationships in my teens and twenties, driven instinctively to find my mate, and everyone wanted something. Lots of things. Mostly sex, but the more serious partners wanted more. They wanted me to help them start companies, and work, work, work. My time, my favors, my massages, my money, Tons of personal energy and resources, given freely with love of course, but feeling drained and ultimately unappreciated.
Since the early phase of our relationship, I have felt that it was my destiny and a huge part of the reason why we are called to be together, that I shall be instrumental in helping share and translate what Quinn has shared with me with the rest of the world. Like you know how Anastasia has Vladamir? Well, Quinn has me.
The basic relationship is quite parallel. She is a remarkable, truly extraordinary individual who loves a relatively ordinary guy, even one could say a pretty dense one. Well, compared to Quinn, I am just like him.
I say that with lots of love, esteem and high regard for myself. Just much, much more for him, because he has proven over the years who he is, and it is truly so much more than what I am. Really.
So, if I love it, and I believe it is my destiny, and I know it is not only the best way to love and serve my beloved mate in the way that he desires, but it has been proven to be enormously beneficial to my process of conscious evolution, then. WHY IN THE FUCK DO I LET 5 YEARS GO BY WITHOUT DOING IT?
I have realized again and again that everything, all my issues all come back to the same thing- How I feel about MYSELF.
So the truth is, that I am holding myself apart from the experience of me and of life that I really want to have, because at some level I don't believe I deserve it.
And of course I am also afraid to try and fail. That my writing will suck, that people will judge me, that I my reservoir of secret talent is not all I have made it out to be in my fantasy image of myself.
And I am also aware that somewhere inside myself, I need to be non-contributory and even difficult for my mate in order for him to prove that he really loves me. If I am too valuable in a tangible way, I will suspect that he is just using me for my abilities for his own selfish gain, and that our love isn't really real.
So, despite all the resistance and hold ups I still have inside me, I am pushing outside of my comfort zone, experimenting with action, talent, appreciation and "success", even though I feel so nervous about even the "best" possible outcomes.
Here goes nothing.
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.