Last night I caught myself doing a tiny bit of something that almost destroyed my life as I know it when I did a lot of it a few months back.
I was harboring secret judgments against my mate, allowing those judgments to take hold within my beliefs about him, and simultaneously pretending to myself and to him that this was not happening.
It may seem like so small a thing, and so ordinary. But I have seen for myself how those little tiny grudges and judgments can build up, band together and overpower truth and love.
Toward the end of 2015, Quinn and I were going through a rather rough patch. It started in October, when I was pregnant and didn't yet know it. I flipped out on him, questioned his entire being and his ability to lead our community, and treated him like a loser.
We talked about the flip out, realized that it was strongly influenced by hormones, and then I thought I had let it go. But over the next few months, I allowed more anti-Quinn thoughts and feelings to go unaddressed, and they began to congeal into beliefs.
I was unwilling and in some ways unable to really address those thoughts and feelings out loud with Quinn, and even with myself. They threatened my entire life as I know it, as my life is based on and revolves around my relationship to Quinn. So naturally, I wasn't exactly eager to face those thoughts and feelings.
Yet while with one half of me I was trying my best to suppress, ignore, or talk myself out of those thoughts and feelings, the other half of me was feeding those negative thoughts and feelings with every bit of judgment, hurt, anger and spite that came up for me. Every time I had a thought, feeling or experience that supported my negative beliefs about Quinn, rather than saying something about it, I would just heap it on the pile. And my case against him grew and grew within me, meanwhile, I was continuing to play house and act like everything was OK.
On the one hand, I had my reasons why I was unwilling to address those things with Quinn. I believe in the law of attraction, and I was afraid that by talking about these thoughts and feelings, that I would be giving them more power, making them grow and become more real. I was hoping that if I did as Esther Hicks & Abraham suggest, and basically just ignore that which I do not want, and give my attention only to that which I do want, that the other stuff would just go away.
It might have worked, if that is what I actually did. But I didn't. I just accumulated a longer list and a stronger case against him in my mind, giving it plenty of attention and energy, and then pretending to myself that I wasn't doing that, and/or rationalizing that I was totally justified.
Justification is a dangerous thing when it is applied to negative emotions. It only reinforces them and makes them stronger. And while these justifications may be totally valid, they do not actually help one to move on to a better feeling and experience.
So, after several months of amassing an inner case against Quinn, without bringing it up with him, basically at all,, I had fallen out of love with him. I had no desire for him, little respect for him, and lots of unaddressed hurt within myself.
When I miscarried at 12 weeks on Christmas eve, I was in such a bad place in my relationship with Quinn that I was actually relieved that I would not have an infant on my hands, keeping me stuck in place.
And even at that point, when I was "clear" that I wan't in love with him and didn't want to be with him anymore, I STILL didn't even bring it up! I just started thinking about how I was going to gradually remove myself from his vortex. And of course take the kids with me.
Quinn discovered on his own just how far I had gone down this path when he walked in on me kissing another man. In 5 years of being with Quinn, I had not once even felt a true attraction to another man for an instant. It was the only time in his adult life that he has ever really been hurt. My own heart had slowly been breaking, as all the "evidence" against Quinn amassed in my mind, my True Love and my dream life were dying before my eyes. Where once our love had been a luminous star, inspiring everything important and fulfilling in my life, I was left with nothing but a bog fat fuck you in my heart for him. And still I said basically nothing.
At the time, I felt totally justified. And shitty. There was that nice justification at work. I was right, I was sure, But the down side to being "right" was that my whole life was crap and had to be rebuilt anew. Thanks, justification.
So, this all went down in early February, and Quinn rose to the challenge like no lover ever has. Despite being crushed, he mustered his self mastery and showed up for me in a whole new way. He listened to all the judgments and blame I still held against them, and calmly proved that i was basically being delusional. He was beyond patient, calm and SOOO loving. It worked and I remembered who he really is, decided to open my heart up to him again, and we fell in love more deeply than ever. The relationship rebuild went so well that I was pregnant again by April.
So, that is the short story of how holding and harboring secret judgments about my mate almost ruined our amazing life together.
I am really good at tricking myself, hiding things just beneath my conscious awareness. But since I have seen just how destructive this habit can be, I was not going to let that happen again.
I had also become aware of how this pattern is not only super destructive, but it is also super dishonorable and deceitful. How would I feel if that were done to me? That is SUPER unfair! To have the person who supposedly loves you the most basically betray you in their heart, and the lie about it to your face! That is SUPER FUCKED UP!
I also feel very clear that I do not ever want to be that person again, who stabs their mate in the back by allowing their love to be secretly sabotaged from the inside out.
So last night when I sensed that something was off within myself in regards to my love and openness to Quinn, I timidly opened the door for Quinn to help me address those ideas/thoughts/feelings before they took hold.
Honestly it was not that pleasant. I felt confused and struggled to get clear on what was really going on for me. Quinn was not particularly pleased nor especially sweet in those moments, yet he was patient and stayed with me for over an hour while I slowly gathered my words together and made what may be my first attempt ever at being that honest, authentic, tuned in and communicative.
It was really hard for me to admit even to myself and especially to Quinn that I had allowed some anti-thought about him to take hold within myself. It was sparked by something that someone else had shared with me earlier in the day about an exchange they had with him where he displayed some of my least favorite aspects of his personality.
On many levels, I disagree with those ideas about Quinn, and that is why in the past I have justified not saying anything about that kids of stuff. I know logically that those judgments were lame and small compared to the awesomeness of the other 99% of him. But obviously some part of me was willing to let them hold weight in my heart.
As I struggled to gain clarity on what was going on for me, I could feel that there was this sad and lonely part of me that wanted to be sad and lonely, and I was seeing this part and this pattern with greater clarity than ever before. The pained, sad, abandoned and lonely part of me was actually wanting those things to be true, and to be sad and lonely some more.
The other parts of me looked in horror at what I was doing to myself and my relationship, and felt clear that I was NOT going down that path. I did not want to have another night of conflict, alone and sleepless in my bed. I did not want us to have another awful phase of being so far apart, of being out of love, of feeling like my whole life was suddenly crap. I struggled to find the words and actions that would dig me out of the hole I found myself in so suddenly.
I breathed and mustered some self control, realizing that it was all me, that I was doing this to myself and that I was actually greatly in need of some self love at the moment. For my own sake, and for the sake of our relationship, it was necessary to fully acknowledge what I had been doing to Quinn out loud to him.
I recalled that of course no one is perfect, including me and including Quinn. And even if there are things about him that I don't like, oh fucking well! They do not come even close to outweighing the other 99% of who he is, or how I experience him that is blow-my-mind awesome! How silly of me and why the hell would I ever allow a few little things to get so big in my head?
Ultimately it seems that a deep and mostly subconscious self loathing is a major root of this pattern for me. What is the best way to kick my own feet out from under myself? To destroy the foundation of my life of course.
I now actually feel so relieved to see and know with greater clarity that the reason why my relationship with Quinn had gone through these cycles to degradation and destruction is just that it is my own subconscious pain needing to manifest, and not that he is actually a villain. Yaay!
So, my first attempt at being that honest, authentic and communicative in regards to these nasty little ideas was honestly a pretty sucky little experience. But I feel that it was TOTALLY worth it!
I am now much more clear on why I do that shit, I have a much better awareness of when it is happening, a significantly evolved willingness to address it ASAP- a few hours is a huge improvement over a few months- and I have had a first stab at seeing and communicating those things that I hold just under the surface of my own consciousness. Next time will be so much better, easier, clearer and more fluid.
I have so much hope for myself to one day become a fully sentient and functional being! If I can keep upgrading at least a little bit, or hopefully a lot, from every experience, I can at least make new and improved mistakes.
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.