Good day Bad Day

Yesterday was basically an epic day. A more or less ordinary day at home, to anyone looking on. But within myself, it was extraordinary.

I was at the top of my game. I was super focused, really productive, having built up some momentum for the two days prior, and then yesterday just was so focused for so long and got so much accomplished. 

In my mom realm, I felt good there too. Most of the day was pretty smooth, and I even made time to play a round of dress-up with QiQi in between all those hours on the computer. The night before we both had a little meltdown during which we acted like crazy children, but a major breakthrough resulted and it also caused me to wake up yesterday feeling more motivated than ever to be more of the woman I want to be, and know I can be. 

I noticed late in the evening aloud to Quinn how my day had felt so fulfilling and asked him if it had felt that way to him too, like it had been a particularly long and full day. He suggested that it felt that way to me because I was more conscious and awake than usual, and therefore my moments held more for me. My experience was truly richer and fuller because I was more present, more engaged. I felt so in love with myself, my life, and with my family. 

The icing on the cake was a super juicy love-making sesh with Quinn after the girls went to sleep, (easily and peacefully btw). I could feel how in love with me he was, and even his rich and juicy love was even richer and juicier last night.

Today I woke up feeling ready for the day. But all friggin day it seemed like I just could not get my shit together! I was patient with myself and have not lost it or gotten upset about it, but today I have obviously failed in my daily attempt to wield myself consciously. Right from the get-go, I have been putzing around, seemingly unable to get focused on much.

I have had long to do lists for the past 4 days. Day 1 saw about 60% completion. Day 2 about 75% completion, and yesterday being day 3 was an epic success at like 90% completion! I was a badass in so many realms! I got my work done, did my mothering well, took good care of the kids with little energy or time, got everyone their medicines and good foods and took my vitamins and such. I even made my list for today before I went to bed last night. But today has been such a productivity failure that right now I can't even find my list. No matter, there is nothing to check off. I didn't even take my freakin vitamins. There as plenty of stuff on there that I could have done, easily. But pretty much nothing on the list of priorities actually got done. I did manage to make dresses for the girls. But that doesn't count for much, because when I am honest with myself, I can see that I made those dresses for myself and they would have rather that I played with them than sew for 4 hours. 

I want to stay positive but damn I am feeling a bit frustrated with myself. I can see how the cycles of dysfunction are shifting, s-l-o-w-l-y. I can see how this time is just a little better than last time, but damn, am I really evolving that slowly? It is going to take too long at this rate!!! OK, so that is not how it is, but actually I have forever to just be, and it is all okay, and yada, yada, yada. 

I want results from myself, for myself. This shit may be okay for the all powerful and loving creator, but I am not down with this. I want to be more in control of myself. I want to be abel to choose to have the best day of my life every day, and yes it does seem like that should be possible. OK, maybe every day is asking too much of myself, but I mean three days of momentum to work up to one extraordinary day to them fall flat the next? WTF?! 

OK, now that that is out of my system, I better write about what I actually learned today before I forget it all and have to do it the exact same fucking way again. 

Pretty much all the learning and evolution in my day took place in the last hour, after realizing what a failure the day had been, and once Quinn started addressing it all with me. Even the girls were schooling me tonight. "Mom, you're treating us like a burden" said QiQi as I washed dishes, while they whined for me to take them to bed, and I told them to help if they wanted it to happen faster. In the moment, I couldn't see it. But lying in bed with them, as they fell asleep in about three minutes when I finally gave them what they were asking for, I realized that I was doing exactly what Quinn and they were saying. My usual- making things difficult and blaming the children. Sigh.

I could easily have taken them to bed when they asked and just cleaned up after. DUH! But semi-unknown to myself, I was making them wait, and also thereby making them be a part of the cleaning process, out of that burden feeling. I wanted them to be more responsible for that which is involved with our life, in my conscious mind. But in my unconscious mind, I was taxing them for taxing me, But really, now I think that is LAME! Because it is actually really easy to do a few dishes, put some stuff away, blah, blah blah. There have been plenty of days where I have taken care of all of it with ease and in gratitude fro the ease and simplicity of my super supported life. 

I wanted them to wait until I had taken care of everything and was ready for bed too. I was telling myself that it was about teaching them responsibility, but really it was about feeling burdened and also putting my "needs" right up there with theirs. But I am not a baby, and I could totally wait for 5, 10, 20 minutes for them to fall asleep and then take care of all those little things in half the time that it took with them in tow. And if I can't wait another 30 minutes to get to bed, than I am such a will-less slave to my own body, and a total baby!. Obviously, I can wait, I just didn't want to. I was being small and acting small, and thankfully I am able to see it now. Hopefully I won't do it again. But probably, I will, but it will be a little different, a little less severe. Oh man, sometimes evolving myself feels like it is taking forever!

Yes, on the intellectual level, I get it that I am not getting anywhere by forcing thing, pushing, resisting, etc. If I want to shift what I actually need to do is accept, accept, accept, myself exactly where I am NOW. 

Right, back on track of what I learned. 

So I also noticed how QiQi was showing me in this particular way exactly how I am. She has a tendency to find some excuse not to listen, or to pretend like she doesn't understand. Well, I was doing the same thing to Quinn- asking his advice and then finding a way not to receive it. In the past, I have been more obviously and blatantly blaming him for being a bad communicator and not explicit or clear enough. This time, I wasn't blaming him, but I was tricking myself into thinking that I didn't understand. Until QiQi did EXACTLY that to me, in a more blatant and obvious way. It was kinda funny and kinda something else. 

I am very often doing, doing, doing stuff. Doing whatever stuff I feel capable and competent to do, stuff that I feel like needs to be done. But I hide behind those tasks. And I really need to face that. 

Often it is mindless cleaning that I do almost automatically, but I often will keep doing those mindless tasks even when there is important shit at hand. Like tonight when I was with one half my body and brain asking Quinn for his help and with the other half tuning into some other bullshit. And even as he was pointing out that I was not really listening, I had a hard time seeing the truth of it. Until I was literally unable to hear it because the sink was running, because I was doing some doing. Noticing that, I had that "Oh, I see!" moment that I mostly love, when I realize that I am the one being a bonehead, and making my own life difficult, and that all I need to do to have a better experience is see it and then it will be easy to cut that shit out. 

Judgement is really such a bitch, especially self judgement. Because it makes me unwilling to admit my crap to myself until it is really slapping me in the face or messing up my life. It is so obvious how as I gradually stop judging myself for fucking up, I am able to face it, own it and shift it faster. 

Also, Quinn pointed out to me how I judge myself for wanting to do what I want to do. Like really, I knew when my day started that I would rather sew, or craft and watch shows all day. And rather than just embrace that, and let it be fluid, 

"Yes it is important to be objective and to be real. like if you spend my day watching TV, don't pretend that you didn't or that you were productive. But if that is what you really want to do and you just do it, then maybe it is a much more fulfilling experience and then maybe you feel clear and inspired to do something productive later in the day".
-Quinn

He also pointed out how I need to be wary of noticing the things that I use as justification for making things difficult. Good one. 

And that, like QiQi, I go into super insane, unconscious bouts of hanging on and justifying why I am upset and ignoring solutions. Another good one. 

And he gave me a rundown of my cycle of dysfunction with QiQi. Resistance. Then judgement for the resistance. Then justification for the resistance, which includes blame. Then guilt. Then overcompensation. 

Quinn was  also trying to help me see some more of myself in relationship to my level of responsibility, and I was holding back from opening up to it. Even now, I still feel like I don't understand what he meant, and yet I also know that I use that angle to hide when I am not ready to see something. 

Thanks Quinn, thanks QiQi, for showing me myself in so may ways. And thanks Noki, for hanging out and having fun all by yourself while the rest of us work out my shit. 

I guess I, like Quinn already has, just have to accept that evolution happens in baby steps, and it doesn't necessarily have a steady or unidirectional trajectory. Little by little. I suppose that if overall, week by week and month by month, I am more aware, more responsible, more empowered, there really isn't more I could ask of myself. 

If I can successfully love myself significantly more, like tonight, perhaps I will let myself see what I am not taking responsibility for, and then I will have a whole new facet of empowerment to add to my arsenal of badassery. 
​
Loving myself, releasing judgement and guilt should be a fun and easy assignment. Hopefully I don't make it difficult or distract myself ;)

​Time to meditate some more, love myself some more, give myself my full and undivided attention, and prepare to be a badass again tomorrow.