This morning Quinn and I looked at one another, connecting deeply in love and presence. He is amazingly present and almost always available for this level of connection. I am relatively way more distracted and have layers of things going on within me in an unintentional and uncontrolled fashion, making this level of connection more of a sort of special occurrence for me. A moment when I was actually able to be really present within myself, and while also on the outside I had not attracted a couple of beings to be needily groping for my attention.
In that moment of connection I realized how lost the real Quinn most often is to me. I have so many layers of filter, of my superimposed beliefs and ideas about him, stemming from my own baggage, conditioning and unconscious levels of being. Layers that dictate who my partner must be, not because he actually is that, but because within myself, that is who a mate or partner is. I see him as whatever role needs to be played for me to have whatever experience I am in alignment with. I most often see him as the match to my own feelings about being a woman, a partner, a mother.
I suppose this must be pretty common. Maybe even standard issue for relationships of many sorts.
For example, If I have a stressful relationship with motherhood itself, then the experience I must have will be in alignment with that stress. Part of that stress is feeling unsupported. And so I perceive non-support in my world not necessarily because I am not supported, but because that Is how I feel deeply inside, and therefore cannot really experience anything else. Even despite a very obvious and large support system.
I must be really evolving my own relationship with motherhood, and partnership, because my current experience is of being the very best supported I have ever been.
But any lacking within myself is usually projected into the outside, and that pretty much means blaming Quinn.
For a moment today, I saw him just as he was, and it was so amazing. I could see this present and powerful and vulnerable being, loving me with total presence, and silently asking for my love in return.
I realized that this state of presence is not at all my norm. I realized that I have had this precise realization before, and made internal notes to help me remember. But I know for a fact that my mental notes are pretty much crap, and I really need to write stuff down, at the very least, if it is going to take hold within my being and ultimately become the dominant resonance that creates my reality. So, hence, here I am, back on the writing wagon, again, after falling off for a long while, again.
And as I was relating this revelation to Quinn, he pointed out to me that I have had this revelation before. And as with many other repeat revelations that I have had and forgot an had once more, he reminded me that I really need to write it down if I am going to remember it. So once again, Quinn is doing a better job than I am of seeing me, knowing my truth, and taking responsibility for my evolution.
The truth is that every day, he shows me things about myself that I totally not see until he points them out. And once he points them out, it is SO obvious. Like DUH! HOW did I not see that about myself?!
I have gotten a lot better at being able to receive these insights without immediately becoming defensive and finding ways to make him the bad guy in my head. Which is what lots of people do when he points out their obvious truths to them. They make him the problem, the devil, the narcissist, the whatever they can to justify not listening or believing or seeing what is plain for the enlightened to see.
It is so very unfair.
Especially that he has to endure so much of that at home, let along all of that blame and condemnation that he faces from the outside world. And I am the one who receives the most from him also the one who gives him the most crap. Raw deal.
So, after seeing him today in a way that felt like seeing him for the first time in a long time, I am renewed in a number of ways.
I am renewed in my True Love for Quinn,this AMAZING being that I am so blessed to be mated to.
I am renewed in an inspiration to treat him more fairly, and not to unconsciously lump all the blame for every offense by a man against a woman in all of time upon him.
I am renewed in my inspiration to help him support this family.
I am renewed in my resolve to remember my revelations, however I can, and to be truly grateful that I am SO blessed to have someone in my life who is able to perceive so much more than me and who is willing to share that awareness with me.
I am renewed in my desire to share these every day revelations with the world, not only as a way to help myself remember and integrate them, but as a way to help those who are also having the same experiences.
Yes, I have an infant and 2 small children to look after. But thanks to Quinn's awesome consciousness, etc, and thanks to Dakota's recognition of his super awesome consciousness, I have every bit as much help and support as I need. It is totally doable for me to write a little here and there and share those every day revelations that are slowly changing my life.
I thank Quinn for the massive support that he provides me on every plane of my existence that I am aware of, and likely some that I am not.
I thank Kota for taking care of the daily practicalities of having a body and living in a house, and for supporting me and children with her love and care.
And I thank you, whoever you are that is reading this now, for tuning in and uplifting yourself in the many ways that you are. Because if you get anything out of this blog at all, it is everything to me.
Inok Alrutz is an ordinary woman living a truly EXTRAORDINARY life, led by True Love and a sincere desire to EVOLVE and to Live Consciously.